The First 48 Hours Of My Family Vacation

I’m a 35 year old on a tropical vacation with my mother, my 82-year-old grandmother, my two younger brothers, my little sister, and my sister-in-law.

And we’re sharing a condo.

This is how it’s going so far.

***

“The volcano is dormant.”

“Well, like, not dormant but really, really sleepy.”

***

“Don’t worry, nobody in this family is going to die of adventure.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“I know you couldn’t hear what I just said. That’s because I wasn’t talking to you.”

***

“Stop singing that song.”

“Pork and Salad! Pork and Salad!”

“Why are you singing ‘Pork and Salad’?”

“It doesn’t even say ‘Pork and Salad’; it says ‘Fork and Salad.’”

“Wait — I have to use the bathroom.”

“We should all make a music video together!”

“I’ve been saying this for SO LONG.”

“We could do a Salt-n-Pepa song.”

“Don’t go chasing waterf — ”

“THAT’S NOT SALT-N-PEPA. JEEZUS MOM.”

***

“That’s his new game. It’s called, “The unstoppable, slowly-moving fist.”

“That’s the worst game.”

“It’s even worse for me, it’s my fist, and I can’t stop it.”

***

“So then he tried to lure your brother into the car with the promise of an ‘older Asian woman.’”

“Have you seen a bathroom? I need a bathroom.”

“This reminds me of when Truman was elected.”

***

“I don’t want to go to Costco.”

“We’re going to — yes we’ll stop at Costco on the way.”

“We can’t get through a Costco-sized bottle of lotion in a week.”

“Yes, I did notice that these reading glasses are the same price for one as the three you just bought at Costco.”

***

“I’m just trying to take a selfie. Just give me one minute — DAMNIT stop.”

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***

“You should all go with your brother to make sure that he’s safe.”

“He’s 32, and that would be a hella weird date.”

“We’re taking you to Baby Beach because you’re a baby. Baby.”

***

“Stop eating my shrimp.”

“Goddamn it, this is not communal shrimp! I paid for this shrimp, get your own goddamned shrimp.”

“You owe me shrimp.”

***

“No, he didn’t abandon us. He’s just pooping.”

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