The First 48 Hours Of My Family Vacation

I’m a 35 year old on a tropical vacation with my mother, my 82-year-old grandmother, my two younger brothers, my little sister, and my sister-in-law.

And we’re sharing a condo.

This is how it’s going so far.


“The volcano is dormant.”

“Well, like, not dormant but really, really sleepy.”


“Don’t worry, nobody in this family is going to die of adventure.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“I know you couldn’t hear what I just said. That’s because I wasn’t talking to you.”


“Stop singing that song.”

“Pork and Salad! Pork and Salad!”

“Why are you singing ‘Pork and Salad’?”

“It doesn’t even say ‘Pork and Salad’; it says ‘Fork and Salad.’”

“Wait — I have to use the bathroom.”

“We should all make a music video together!”

“I’ve been saying this for SO LONG.”

“We could do a Salt-n-Pepa song.”

“Don’t go chasing waterf — ”



“That’s his new game. It’s called, “The unstoppable, slowly-moving fist.”

“That’s the worst game.”

“It’s even worse for me, it’s my fist, and I can’t stop it.”


“So then he tried to lure your brother into the car with the promise of an ‘older Asian woman.’”

“Have you seen a bathroom? I need a bathroom.”

“This reminds me of when Truman was elected.”


“I don’t want to go to Costco.”

“We’re going to — yes we’ll stop at Costco on the way.”

“We can’t get through a Costco-sized bottle of lotion in a week.”

“Yes, I did notice that these reading glasses are the same price for one as the three you just bought at Costco.”


“I’m just trying to take a selfie. Just give me one minute — DAMNIT stop.”



“You should all go with your brother to make sure that he’s safe.”

“He’s 32, and that would be a hella weird date.”

“We’re taking you to Baby Beach because you’re a baby. Baby.”


“Stop eating my shrimp.”

“Goddamn it, this is not communal shrimp! I paid for this shrimp, get your own goddamned shrimp.”

“You owe me shrimp.”


“No, he didn’t abandon us. He’s just pooping.”

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