The ‘Golden Girls’ Boyfriend Quiz

Throughout its seven-season run, women of The Golden Girls had their fair share of gentlemen callers. It’s easy to be jealous of their game — especially when you consider that they were nearing retirement age when the show aired and had more dates in one season than you have had since 2008. But with so many, many men to choose from, which of the Girls’ boyfriends should you have settled for if you were a senior citizen in 1988?

Take this handy quiz to find out!


1. It’s Saturday night, all your friends are busy, and you have no plans. Do you:

a) Binge watch Jeopardy! while texting your ex because you know he’ll respond and it will prove that someone male acknowledges you exist.

b) Grab a phone book you can sit on so you can see over the steering wheel, “borrow” a car, and go joyriding without a valid driver’s license.

c) Drive to the nearest port city wearing a revealing dress, find the bar with the most sailors on shore leave, and volunteer to be a human limbo pole.

d) Get dressed up and go dancing by yourself with the hopes of meeting a distinguished professor who will make you feel pretty, but totally ignorant.

2. Which animal best describes your ideal man:

a) Bald baboon

b) Platypus

c) Silver fox

d) Owl

3. Your man plans a romantic night out. Where does he take you?

a) To the tenement building he inherited from his dead uncle to hang out on bunk beds.

b) To rob a bank, to spice it up a bit.

c) To the rustic nautical restaurant that uses his recipe for chowder and doesn’t provide utensils.

d) To a stuffy cocktail party full of college professors who are unaware that any conversation topics exist outside of literature.

4. Five years from now, you and your man are:

a) Possibly married, possibly not speaking to each other. Probably both.

b) Most likely dead.

c) Living separate lives because you didn’t realize you were dating the hottest guy over 60 until you prematurely discarded him.

d) Pretending to enjoy each other’s interests while becoming connoisseurs of local all-you-can-eat buffets.


If you answered mostly As . . .

You should have settled for Stanley Zbornak! Sure, he’s your ex-husband and mediocre in bed, but at your age surprises can be dangerous. He’s like an old pair of slippers: kind of gross and smelly, but also comfortable and perfectly shaped to the contour of your bunioned feet.

If you answered mostly Bs . . .

You should have settled for Rocco the fake mobster! You like bad boys who take chances and have a vast selection of prescription medication. You only have a limited time left — might as well live it up!

If you answered mostly Cs . . .

You should have “settled” for Jake, the disturbingly hot caterer! Sure, he’s a bit rough around the edges, but that’s part of his charm — along with his cooking and hand skills.

If you answered mostly Ds . . .

You should have settled for Miles Weber. He seems like the total package, but you secretly can’t help but wonder what this college professor is doing with you, and why he’s so cheap.


Lead Image: “Golden Girls” Facebook page