Love And Lust In The Age Of The Internet— A Story In 20 Facebook Replies

By Iris Smyles

Pixabay
Delete, delete, delete.

Jack added you as a friend on Facebook. 
We need to confirm that you are friends with Jack. 
Jack sent you a message on Facebook.

It was lovely meeting you the other night. There was an odd freshness about the way we conversed — interesting.
Jack.

Dear Jack,

I enjoyed meeting you, too!!!

-iris

[delete]

Dear Jack.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to write back or if your note was intended to be the last word. Your punctuation — the period — threw me. In any case, lower or upper, I enjoyed meeting you, too. HaHa.

-iris

[delete]

Jack,

I enjoyed meeting you, too, and would like to invite you to play Farmville.

-iris

[delete]

Dearest Jackest,

Thank you for requesting my Facebook friendship. Now that I’ve spent more time reading about you than talking to you, we can proceed to get to know each other in an atmosphere of maximum discomfort and awkwardness.

-iris

[delete]

Jack,

I bought a paperback version of the Necronomicon from a street vendor on my way home from work (only four dollars!) so if I’m torn apart by demons before we see each other again, you’ll know I’ve been dabbling in the black arts and have accidentally summoned a hideous and sinister force. O;ljh;lskun. Oh god, it’s starting . . .

[delete]

You’re so vain, you probably think this private message is about you.

[delete]

Dear Jack,

I enjoyed meeting you too. Not in a creepy I-want-to-be the-mother of-your-children sort of way, though from what I remember of your scent, which science tells us is actually a pretty accurate indicator of compatible genetic immunities that allow the opposite sex to identify a biologicially ideal sexual partner, our offspring would be robust. Were you wearing cologne?

Iris

[delete]

Dear Jack,

It’s nice to hear you enjoyed meeting me, though I hope not in a creepy I-want-to-be-the-father-of-your-children sort of way, because, while I find you attractive, I like to take things slow.

[delete]

S’up?

[delete]

Jack,

You look so different in that photo where you’re lighting a firecracker off your head.

[delete]

Jack,

Can people catch computer viruses? I was typing and then I touched my eyes and now I’m worried. Anyways, I’m going to get my flu shot tomorrow; if you’re free, we could get vaccinated together.

Let’s get inoculated, baby!

[delete]

Dear Jack,

Solve this riddle, and I’ll have dinner with you:

“A thing there is whose voice is one;

Whose feet are four and two and three.

So mutable a thing is none

That moves in earth or sky or sea.

When on most feet this thing doth go,

Its strength is weakest and its pace most slow.”

[delete]

Jack,

Love your baby pictures — super sexy!

[delete]

J,

You look a bit plump in your profile photo. Either you’ve gained a little weight or that shirt’s too small for you.

[delete]

Jack?

Your FB profile says you graduated from Columbia, but I just called them and they have no record of you on file.

[delete]

Hey Jack,

Super busy these last few minutes — sorry for not getting back to you for half an hour. Anyway, nice to hear from you. We should hang.

[delete]

Thou Jack,

Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a bitter fool and a sweet fool ?

[delete]

Jack,

Let’s bone.

[delete]

Jacques (that’s French for Jack),

I noticed under favorite movies you’ve listed Weekend at Bernie’s. I, too, am a fan of the American cinema. Perhaps we should go together to the multiplex?

Je suis un cinephile,

Iris

[delete]

Jack,

Tired of email. Perhaps you should just call?

[send]

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