Totally Reasonable Rules For My Baby Shower

Compiled in consultation with multiple neonatal doctors, Gwyneth Paltrow interviews, and Jessica Alba’s nanny.

Dear my beloved friends and family who have RSVPed on time to my baby shower,

Thank you all so much for sharing this special occasion with me! I couldn’t be more excited to celebrate how much my little fetus has grown up. To ensure the shower goes smoothly, and nothing happens to the baby, I’ve put together a few guidelines. I’ve consulted multiple neonatal doctors, Gwyneth Paltrow interviews, and Jessica Alba’s nanny to compile these, and I ask that you read them carefully before your arrival.

  1. Please take off your shoes at the door. This one is pretty simple, but ignoring it could majorly impact the baby. All dirt or chemicals brought into the house could be absorbed through my vaginal wall and darken the baby’s skin tone. My dear husband and I want our little one to be as light-skinned as an angel or, fingers crossed, an albino.
  2. Upon entering the house, we ask that you change into the hospital gowns we provide. We want the baby to learn what to expect after the birth so familiarizing him/her (you’ll soon find out!) with the different aspects of the maternity ward before the actual birth is crucial. If we don’t, it may get scared and cry.
  3. During the party, we will only be speaking in Mandarin. We want the baby to come into the world fully equipped to speak in the most marketable languages. If you do not know it, we ask that you hire an interpreter for the occasion. And if you must speak English, please only do so during the allotted two-hour window or remove yourself from the main party room.
  4. All gifts must be made from organic, BPA-free, Blake Lively- or Alicia Silverstone-approved materials. And please refrain from bringing food. For the two weeks leading up to the birth, I am subsisting entirely on filtered air infused with Middle Eastern herbs and spices that I’m taking through a breathing apparatus every few hours. We will provide you with similar refreshments during the party.
  5. Before we announce the sex of the baby, you will be required to sign a non-disclosure agreement. We would like to raise the baby in a completely gender-neutral environment, so we are taking extreme measures to prevent the baby from finding out. And as babies can hear through the uterine wall, we will be announcing the sex of the baby by the color of the face masks (included with your robe) that you are to wear at all times. We wish to subvert societal norms, so a blue mask will mean girl and a pink mask will mean boy.
  6. Finally, at the end of the party, we will be transitioning into the birthing room via a Conga line where you will each take up your assigned position as dictated by The Home Birth Plan diagram hanging above my bed. DON’T WORRY. This is just a dry run. You’ll receive your full practice schedules in your gift bag along with a number of fun trinkets.

Most importantly, this is a party! Have fun!

See you there!

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