Valentine’s Day Gifts For That Guy You’re Banging

By Julia Prescott

It’s February, and you ladies — well, you straight ladies who are catered to almost exclusively by our heteronormative Valentine’s Day industrial complex — know what that means: time to open up your hot pink sparkly mustache wallet with a speech bubble that says “#Blessed #BernieBro #OrMaybeHillary #IHaven’tReadEnoughToMakeAnInformedDecision” and . . .

. . . dump out all your money to buy your man a present!!

We all know Valentine’s Day is the one true test of romantic quality between two people. If you’re one chocolate-covered strawberry and “Horny Devil Teddy Bear” short in your gift-giving, then I mean, you might as well just break up right then and there (and I don’t know, take a look in the mirror and reconsider your life choices? Go to night school? Get some bangs? Finish listening to “Serial Season 2” even though it seems like everyone dropped off? Just a thought).

But what if you don’t have a “Man” with a capital “M,’” and just have a man who occasionally comes over to gunk up your IKEA duvet? How could you possibly show your affection to this hunk who “doesn’t like labels,” and “prefers to keep it on the down-low if that’s cool with you.” You gotta get him something for going to town on your country roads, right? Right!

Introducing . . .

The No-Fail No-Frills Budget-Conscious Valentine’s Day Gift Guide for The Guy You’re Just Sleeping With!

(Because chocolates and roses aren’t appropriate for a guy whose best qualities are his sweet d and his swoon-worthy habit of waiting three days to text you back.)

Handmade Coupons For Sex Stuff

Tear a bunch of construction paper apart into fun little slivers and write out coupons that say something like, “Good for one free bang,” “Redeem for 2-for-1 body massaging,” or even, “I’ll do that one thing and then we can never talk about it again.” Make sure you say, “Now don’t spend these all in one place!” He will laugh.

A Case Of Clif Bars From Smart & Final

cliff bars crop
Credit: flickr/Mike Mozart

He’s going to need his stamina for the next round of Netflix & Chill, and this’ll be a great way for you to slyly tell him you’ve noticed his increasing trail of chocolate chip peanut butter crunch crumbs on your nightstand.

A Music Mix From Your Ex-Boyfriend

Once you edit out all the audio tracks your ex has inserted telling you how much he loves being with you, this is a pretty cool gift!

A Mini-Fan With A Note That Says, “Stay Cool, DUDE!”

Overemphasize the word “dude” with the tonal equivalent of 500 underlines and 1,000 bold texts. Remember! You don’t want a boyfriend here! Keep focused, keep calm, and keep it casual.

A Gift Card To Souplantation For $10

When he informs you that “this barely covers one meal,” nod sweetly. Then whisper: “Go on, be free.”

A DVD Copy Of Cool Runnings You Forgot To Return To Netflix 4 Years Ago

Coolrunnings

This is the perfect way for you to say, “Hey — let’s make future memories we’re going to make out through.”

Fill-In-The Blank Star Wars Shit

Seriously anything.

Bacon

Go to the store and get a large container of bacon. Slip it under his pillow while he sleeps. Wait for him to wake and notice said bacon, making sure you’re in the other room as this occurs. When he goes to the bathroom, remove the bacon and dispose of it promptly. Wait for him to ask you about the bacon. Look at him with wide eyes and a confused stare. Tell him you don’t know what he’s talking about. Continue this ruse for several weeks. Occasionally ask him, “Hey, whatever happened with that bacon?” Don’t give away any details. Watch as he develops a complex. Wait another couple of weeks. Start to cook bacon as he sleeps, allowing him to wake to the smell of it. When he wipes the sleep from his eyes and wanders into the kitchen, he’ll ask you about the bacon from months ago, and the subsequent conversations you had about it. Don’t acknowledge this ever happened. Keep saying, “What are you talking about?”

Now he knows what it’s like to be a woman in modern society.

A Vape Pen

Make it an R2-D2 one to kill two birds with one stone! Chances are, if he likes Star Wars, then he’s already on board with the idea of robot fellatio! Did someone say BEST HOOK-UP PARTNER EVER???

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