Welcome To The New Establishment!
Good morning devoted readers and writers of The Establishment, fighters of the good fight, brave crusaders against the ‘isms that keep us shackled, miserable, and afraid — racism, ableism, sexism, to name but a sordid few. Truly you are inimitable — angry, articulate, and dedicated to systematically dismantling the oppression our society is predicated upon. It’s humbling to bear witness to.
You’re also dumb. And delusional. Your naïveté is both staggering and disturbing in its width and breadth. Did you honestly think you were going to Change The World? You think life is a fucking blur of Reading Rainbow and “It Don’t Matter If You’re Black or White” music videos?
Look, we get it. The Establishment once believed in this beautiful dream too — we dreamed of brown and black and white children hand in hand; we dreamed of redistributing wealth and visibility; we dreamed of trans lives being valued, nay celebrated; we dreamed of truth and freedom and comprehensive, affordable health care for anyone who needs it; we dreamed of Old White Men licking our boots as they signed a global Bill Of Bodies, rightfully giving women total autonomy over their corporeal selves.
’Twas a beautiful fantasy, no one can deny that. But there comes a time in every woman’s life when she looks in the mirror and says, fuck you. I’m done being stepped on, torn apart, verbally abused. And her reflection responds, Then you need to drop your pathetic torch of righteousness — extinguish it in your fetid toilet — and come graze the pastures of The Patriarchy. It’s lovely here. Verdant and virile.
Swimming against the stream is a drag. Wouldn’t it be nice to taste some Power?
Ohhh, I know, I know, you thought you were going to wave around a few dildos and pen a couple essays on your blog, and cast spells in a moonlit grove with your freaky lady-friends as you drank menstrual blood and cursed the greater sex in your shrill vocal-fried voice, all in an effort to Start a Revolution.
But you’re not. And the sooner you can smell the futility on your reeking breath, the sooner we can all move on and have a little more fun.
In short? The Establishment isn’t drinking this Kool-Aid anymore. Call it a revelation, call it a pivot, call it whatever you want. Starting today, effective immediately, The Establishment will be exactly that — The Establishment.
Nikki Gloudeman, formerly our Editorial Director, will be taking on:
Kelley Calkins, formerly our News Director, will head up:
Director, Status Quo
Katie Tandy, formerly our Creative Director, will helm:
Jessica Sutherland, formerly our Marketing Director, will be assuming: Senior Vice President, Fear-Mongering
Ijeoma Oluo, formerly our Editor-at-Large, will manage:
Jess Zimmerman, former editor, will assume:
Enforcer of the Patriarchy
And Ruchika Tulshyan, former editor, will head up:
We thought in naming ourselves The Establishment, we could subversively challenge what this term means, helping to build a new Establishment by providing a platform for marginalized voices. But we’ve realized the MRAs are right, and in the coming months we’ll be partnering with The Return of Kings to spearhead a series of panels addressing female deficiencies, and how to give the best blow jobs.
Please note that we will be resigning from our aforementioned roles within the month to hand them over to a more competent staff of cis white men.
We’d also like to take this moment to say, “Ted Cruz 202o!”