What To Eat While Launching The Bomb: A Culinary Guide

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It’s good manners to have a well-thought-out food choice to complement your ill-conceived show of ceaseless force.
“I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner and we were now having dessert. We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen. President Xi was enjoying it… I say, ‘We’ve just launched 59 missiles, heading to Iraq.’” –Donald J. Trump

Just like you think about fine wines, you should consider carefully while deciding which foods to pair with your explosives launch. Choosing exotic examples from America’s swollen military arsenal is just part of the job — some say it actually makes you President — and it’s just plain good manners to have a well-thought-out food choice to complement your ill-conceived show of ceaseless force.

While endless war is a perfect look for all seasons, it’s great to keep in mind the environment you’re in — your for-profit club in Florida? Your golf course in Virginia? The White House, if it’s between Monday and Thursday? — and who your guests are (Xi Jinping? That NATO guy? The nasty German woman who smells unpleasantly of competence?) before making your choice. While military operations are squarely in your hands, let our expertise guide you into figuring out which confection to pair with the casualties you cause.

Drones Over Yemen — Potato Chips

This is completely casual by now, so all you have to do is make sure you’re fueled with a low-key snack.

Munitions In Mosul — Barbecued Chicken Wings

As your new loosened policy on civilian casualties dictates, you can never have too many blackened, severed limbs to accompany your military strikes.

Tomahawk Missiles — Mar-A-Lago Chocolate Cake

flickr/Leslie Richards

Nothing says you’re making your mark on Syria — and the Presidency — like chowing down on a cake imprinted with a bloc of Trump-branded fondant.

Mother Of All Bombs — Death By Chocolate

Want to completely destroy everything throughout a mile-wide radius and deafen those within 1.7 miles of the bomb’s impact? No problem! You don’t need to explain your rationale or wider strategy for loosing this terrifying ordnance. Just dig in to your latest delicious treat with a spoon, and a napkin for wiping any traces of brown from your lips.

Nuclear Weapons —A Lake Of Chocolate In Which You Float Blissfully, Humming, Wetting Your Pursed Lips And Letting Your Scrotum Become a Wobbling Chocolate-Covered Treat

Self-explanatory.

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