What’s The Best Way To End A Friendship With A Bad Feminist Woman?

Welcome back to The Alchemist — Because Advice Columns Don’t Have To Be Useless

Question 1: How can I end a friendship with my wicked godless feminist friend?

From Boundless Advice

The Question (summarized): My friend is a feminist and I thought I could pray that out of her but instead she was beginning to convince me that woman are people and not property so I’ve been avoiding her for months. How can I end this friendship with this wicked woman without making her turn against Christians forever?

The Bad Advice (summarized): Don’t let wicked women get close to you, they will give you ideas about your basic humanity and God doesn’t want that. Only let wicked women get close enough to you so that you can shove Jesus down their throats — that’s what godly friendship looks like.

My Better Advice: Apologize to your friend and then let her go find some real friends. You’ve been a really shitty friend to her. You’ve lied to her and you’ve used her. She hasn’t been wicked, you have been. She’s been her feminist self, trusting you in friendship all this time, while you were pretending to like and care about who she actually is so that you could change her into someone else. Your motives for entering into your friendship with her were selfish. It wasn’t about love, it was about control. It was about binding someone to you and to your world view against their wishes. And when you started to realize that, when you started to see that your friend was the one living the honest life, and that honesty started to threaten the lies that you depend on to feel safe — you decided she was wicked.

Your motives for entering into your friendship with her were selfish. It wasn’t about love, it was about control.

That’s not love and that’s not faith. If you think I’m talking about more than your choice of friendship here — you’re right. You can bind yourself to whatever ideology calls to you, but nothing true and healthy is so easily threatened by the freedom of others.

I hope that you can one day be free to discover what you honestly think and feel about the world and your relationships without interference from those who would deem your curiosity “wicked.” Yes, I am judging the way in which you live and telling you the ways in which I believe that you are imprisoning yourself (and others through your evangelism) with your strict adherence to beliefs that view your individuality and strength as a weakness. You could say that I’m showing prejudice against your faith without even taking the time to really know you. You could say that I’m saying these things to forward my world view. Both these things are likely at least a little true.

But at least I’m being up front about it. I respect you enough to be honest. You can take my advice or leave it, but I didn’t try to use friendship (or the threat of eternal damnation) to force you to be somebody you don’t want to be.

Question 2: How do I tell my friend her breast augmentation — er, “sweater” augmentation — is making me uncomfortable?

From Zelda Wisdom

The Question (summarized): My friend got “sweater” augmentation and now wears tiny shirts and maybe now she’s a “hooker” and not my friend so how do I keep her giant “sweaters” from ruining our friendship?

The Bad Advice (summarized): Maybe your friend really hated her old “sweaters” so you should support her new “sweaters” but also tell her to not put such tiny shirts over her…sweaters.

My Better Advice: We’re talking about breasts right? Tits, boobs — those orbs in the front? Not actual sweaters, right? Right? Okay, now that we have that straightened out, I’m even more concerned — because you are a grown adult who can’t even say the word “breasts.” How about a compromise — you get comfortable enough with your own body, with female sexuality, and with female autonomy to be able to say “breasts” with less hesitation than you have shown when slut-shaming your friend for showing her belly-button, and THEN you can consider offering advice to your friend on how to dress the breasts she just spent her cold hard cash on. She obviously doesn’t have your problem with saying “breasts” — or she would have likely left the plastic surgeon with a new wool blend pullover instead of some new DD’s.

You are a grown adult who can’t even say the word ‘breasts.’

FYI: Your friend looks like a “hooker” no matter the size of her breasts or her shirts, and so do you — because “hooker” is just a hella-outdated and uncool name for sex workers: ordinary people who are in the business of exchanging sex acts for money. There is no official costume for sex work, and “repressed suburbanite dressed in mom jeans and self-righteousness” is a look that some clients pay extra for.

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