Which Trump-Fueled Dystopia Will YOU Live In?

By Allison Sanchez

Modified from flickr/josef.stuefer

Capricorn: December 22-January 19

Handmaids Stand UP: The Handmaid’s Tale Future

With Mars moving into the 5th house of the moon, this one is slow but steady!

First the Planned Parenthoods will close. That’s too bad, you’ll think. But you’ll do nothing. You can afford to go to the doctor. Then abortion will become illegal. That’s awful, you’ll post on Facebook while changing your profile pic. But it’s not so bad. You could get to Canada if you needed to. Of course, when women no longer can own bank accounts, you’ll be troubled. What kind of country is this, you’ll tweet. But still . . . nothing. You’ll just change the bank account to your husband’s name.

This will pass, you’ll tell your friends.

But it won’t. And when they come to round you up to procreate for the rich and powerful . . . then . . . then you’ll scream. You’ll beg. You’d do anything, anything to stop this. To change it. But it’s too late. No one can hear you.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18

These books are Hot! Hot! Hot: A Fahrenheit 451 Future

Steamy Mercury is controlling your fates for the next four years, and free press is about to be completely eliminated!

It will start with small things. Newspapers will be strangely complimentary of the wall being built. Newsreels with glowing reviews of the Donald’s presidency will replace previews in movie theaters. But then . . . things will get worse. Journalists will be jailed for insulting Trump. Newscasters will be given government-mandated scripts for the evening news. All phone calls and emails will be monitored for negativity about your president’s tiny, tiny hands.

And the list of approved books for schools and libraries will be carefully cultivated to eliminate any “dangerous” texts. All other books will be considered “inflammatory to the freedom of the American populace.” This will be a little joke, since those books will all be burned in great, mandatory, public bonfires. And finally, reading non-tweet-related literature will be banned all together. Firefighters will sexily hunt down and destroy anything else.

Pisces: February 19-March 20

Road Trip!: The Road Future

Uh oh! Because of Jupiter’s moon circling Pluto, things will begin escalating in North Korea and Iran. And they’re going to band together to retaliate against the United States. Luckily, your super strong, macho president will send nuclear bombs to wipe them off the map.

Unluckily, they’ll see them coming and send just as many back.

So soon you’ll be traveling around the bomb-ravaged country with your son, a gun with two rounds, and all your earthly possessions in an old Trader Joe’s shopping cart. You’ll look for some sort of sign of hope or safety, but you sure won’t find any.

There is no safety?




Not anywhere?


Are you scared?



Of course.

And remember, above all else to watch out for the cannibals! There are going to be a lot of cannibals.

Aries: March 21-April 19

I love President Trump!: A 1984 Future

You may think you hate him now, but as Uranus glides into the eighth position, your spirit will be broken.

But until it breaks, you’ll have to be especially careful of the new amendment to the constitution, in which all “thought crime” results in execution. Too bad you didn’t repeal the death penalty, California!

Now, normally, such an amendment would be challenged. But unfortunately for you, every branch of the government is under Republican control, and you’ll forget to change that in the 2018 election. You’ll be at Taco Tuesdays downing margaritas instead of in the voting booth.

But don’t worry. Big Brother Donny will take care of you. Big Brother Donny takes care of everything. Big Brother Donny sees . . . everything.

Don’t be afraid. It’s alright, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. You won the victory over yourself.

You love President Donald J. Trump.

You love him.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Hungry Hungry Hippos!: The Hunger Games Future

With the red planet and Earth closer than they’ve been in 200 years, the congressional districts that didn’t vote for Trump are going to have to be punished. But how to punish the districts? That will be the question.

The only answer, of course, will be to have the children of the poor sent to the capital to fight to the death. These tributes will be chosen every year to remind the people of how dangerous it is to oppose the great authority, President Trump. And then, it will be broadcast to the whole world in the most ambitious (and bloodiest!) television program ever made.

But honestly, it will be VERY entertaining. Because let’s face it. The president elect knows how to put on a good reality show. He really does.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Gimme Gimme Gimme!: The Giver Future

With Saturn’s moons switching places in rotation, all memories of the past world will be erased and you’ll live in an emotionless, void-filled society.

You’ll simply know, vaguely, that America IS Great again. Of course you wish you knew what it was like before. But you don’t.

Only one will know. The Receiver will hold the memories. Only he will remember joy, family, love, color. It will be erased from all others. But cheer up, you’ll be free. Free from the pain that came before. Free from the empathy that’s worn you down for so long. Why should YOU have to care if gay people can get married? Why should YOU have to care about religious freedom? Why should YOU have to care if children have enough food? It’s exhausting.

So now, society will be perfect! You’ll feel nothing. And why should you? Embrace the numbness and all will be fine. Just fine.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

To Infinity and Beyond!: A Gattaca Future

The lunar eclipse in Pluto’s fourth house leads to a future where your genetics are scanned at every turn!

It will all start with President Trump repealing the Affordable Health Care act. With insurance companies being able to deny coverage for pre-existing conditions again, they’ll decide to do DNA tests. And with that door open, oooohhh boy. Companies will scan people before hiring them, too. I mean, why hire the guy who is predisposed to a heart attack by age 40?

Parents will have no choice but to order “perfect” babies from genetic manipulation companies (weirdly enough owned by the president himself!) and their stock will skyrocket. Which again, weird that the president seems to have so much stock in the company that he let have a monopoly on the market. It’s almost like a conflict of interest.

But never mind that. You’ll have more important things to worry about. Like how you’ll afford that medication you desperately need at $500 a pill. See, unfortunately with your “normal” genetics, you’ll be denied insurance AND a job doing anything that pays a decent wage. Good luck with that!

Leo: July 23-August 22

A South American Adventure!: The Brazil Future

I hope you like repetitive, mind-numbing paperwork because planetary alignment predicts a lot of it! Don’t question it though, or you’ll be labelled a terrorist and sent to Guantanamo. Which will be thriving, by the way.

Also, in this close future, women will be judged useful solely on looks. No pigs or dogs allowed! Plastic surgery will not only be encouraged, but practically mandatory. And when I say practically, I mean DEFINITELY.

In Trump’s America, women are all perfect tens. Or else! (The “Or else” is euthanasia.)

Virgo: August 23-September 22

Damned, Dirty Apes!: A Planet of the Apes Future

After a tweet enrages him and Venus glows in the early dawn, President Trump will go to war with over 19 countries! America will be ravished beyond recognition and slowly humanity will begin getting wiped out completely. Luckily, monkeys will evolve into highly evolved critical thinkers! They’ll stand upright, learn to talk, and deconstruct the wasteful society humans created. You’ll lose all language and your descendants will be nothing more than crude creatures in cages, attending to ape overlords.

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you!

Libra: September 23-October 22

Now you see me!: A Blindness Future

Saturn’s rings are sick, and soon you will be too! With health care gutted and far too expensive for anyone but the wealthiest 1%, disease will spread swiftly throughout the land.

You’ll be completely unable to slow the plague that’s coming, but the good news is that you’re immune. The bad news is that that means you’ll have to watch all of society rapidly break down until people are defecating in the street, eating raw rats for nutrition, and murdering each other in a struggle over a can of creamed corn.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21

With Eyes Wide Open: A Clockwork Orange Future

Open those peeps nice and wide because you are about to see an amazing and horrifying time to be alive. Start humming Singing in the Rain and buckle up!

A lack of birth control access means the population will skyrocket. This will lead to overcrowding in prisons — due to strict new immigration policies and petty drug laws — so the government will have to figure out a way to “weed” things out a bit.

Luckily, Trump’s supporters are angry, violent, and allowed to have as many guns as they want now! In fact, “The Purge” will be considered more of an instruction manual than a horror film.

Bad luck if you’re a brown or black person, a woman, disabled, gay, Muslim, or hail from another country. These are punishable offenses. You’ll be viciously beaten and assaulted by a roaming group of tyrants and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21

Environment Schmironment!: An Oryx and Crake Future

Well it’s going to be one bleak future as Neptune dips below the 14th quadrant!

With the EPA utterly dismantled, businesses will be allowed to rapidly drain the world of its resources. And global warming (which definitely is a myth created by the Chinese amiright) will speed up as humanity continues to strip the Earth of everything it’s got. But don’t worry, the corporations know what they’re doing and would never take advantage of loose laws to make money! Hahaha, the stars are just kidding; that’s exactly what they’ll do.

Your genius best friend will see this rapid deterioration, and develop a pill made to wipe out humanity to save it from itself. But again, you’re immune, which would be nice except that no one else is impervious to its effects, so you’ll be the only person left on Earth after the pandemic.

Sounds like someone will be able to raid the mall for the latest fashions without any crowds at all. So, it’s not all bad.

It’s just the total destruction of humanity.

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