Why BFF Capybaras Escaped From A Zoo
By Cynara Geissler
On Tuesday, May 24, two young, unnamed female* capybaras escaped what was to be their new home in Toronto’s High Park Zoo. When zoo staff attempted to introduce them to their enclosure — and their intended husbeast, an adult male capybara named “Chewy” — the ROUSes opted instead to swipe left and make a run for it. Based on our unimpeachable credentials (Canadian citizenship and a cable package that includes both Nat Geo Wild AND Animal Planet), we’ve compiled a list of the 15 most scientifically accurate reasons these radical hydro pigs went rogue.
15) That peacock that escaped the same zoo (if you can really call it a “zoo” at this point and not just a temporary animal dorm) totally dared them to.
14) They were asked to be pallbearers at a racoon funeral.
13) Chewy looked absolutely nothing like his OKCapy profile picture.
12) The inaugural meeting of the feminist capybara book club inspired them to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.
11) Left to helm a matriarchal sex cult on Toronto Island.
Image: Masaki Tokutomi/flickr
10) Carried off by an eagle.
9) Wanted to watch the new season of Game of Thrones, but the Golden Lion Tamarin changed its HBO GO password, again. Like if you don’t want us to use it, fine, but just say so, don’t keep changing the password and being like “whoops, so sorry, I’ll totally text it to you.”
8) Self-care spa day.
7) Finally set up a meeting with that David Attenborough guy who keeps snapchatting them. He’s soooooooo thirsty.
6) One of the capybaras was bit on the butt by the yak. In response, they murdered him. Now they’re trying to make it to upstate New York to evade the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
5) They had to attend their high school reunion, where their matching shimmery outfits and moving dance routine to Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” impressed a successful rodent friend who had, after graduating, made a fortune inventing a new kind of shoe rubber. They ran away with him and are now lounging poolside in Miami.
4) Just checking to see if the Panamanian land bridge is still there.
3) Floor seats for Beyonce’s Formation World Tour at Rogers Centre.
1) Finally had enough of being body-shamed for being the world’s largest rodent.
Godspeed, friends! We can’t wait to visit you in your feminist guinea pig utopia.
Image: David Barber/flickr
* A few days into the search it was reported one of the capybaras — originally thought to both be female — was, in fact, a male. Trust us, we’re as disappointed as you are. Still, we can dream of lady capys on the lam.