Your 2017 Feminist Killjoy Gift Guide!
21 gleeful gift ideas to help you resist, babies. Resist.
I remember as last year drew to a close we were all making cutesy 2016 dumpster fire ornaments and naively telling ourselves that the coming year was going to be better. It had to be, right? Then in swept that weird personification of New Year’s, the jolly baby with the 2017 sash, and he chortled darkly and was all, “You fools, you have no idea how bad I’m gonna be.” We just looked at each other and laughed nervously and said, “Oh, well, what does an ugly old baby know anyway?”
But guess what? That baby knew.
Oh did that baby ever know.
Anyway, here we are at the end of 2017, grizzled, battle-weary, and staring down the barrel of yet another year of Trump as president. This holiday season, it feels tempting to go full hermit — after all, who feels like celebrating right now? Not me, that’s for sure. But you know what? I’m not going to give into my desire to crawl into bed for the next three months. Instead, my final act of resistance in this long year of resisting will be to celebrate the fuck out of the holidays.
I’m gonna spend the next few weeks shoveling canapés into my mouth and tossing back frouffy drinks like there’s no tomorrow. I’m going to have fun in spite of everything. My glee will be a giant middle finger to the entire Trump administration. I’ll be the William Wallace of Christmas parties, yelling that they can do their best to take our lives but they’ll never take our ability to experience joy.
With that in mind, I offer you the 2017 Feminist Killjoy Gift Guide. Resist, babies. Resist.
1. Princess Leia ‘Rebel’ Mug
It’s no secret that I fucking love Carrie Fisher and, by extension, Leia Organa. More than once during this bleak year I’ve reminded myself that if General Organa can keep fighting the Empire after losing literally every important person in her life, then I can certainly try to push through my despair and do my part. And what better daily reminder to destroy oppressive systems than drinking your morning coffee out of this mug? I know rebel can be a noun, but in this case I prefer to think of it as a verb in the second person imperative — a reminder to get out there and rebel already.
2. ‘Get Lost (In A Book)’ Pin
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman reading a book alone in a coffee shop is bound to draw the attention of every Literary Young Man within a five mile radius. “Wow, that’s a big book,” they’ll say. “Who’s it by? Oh, I’ve never heard of her. Have you ever read any Bukowski?” Since silently engaging in the solo activity of reading a book isn’t enough to convince these men that you don’t want to talk to them, try wearing this delightful Get Lost pin.
3. Truth Bombs Bath Bombs
Lately to de-stress I’ve been taking a lot of Ativan baths. And not just baths, but luxury fucking baths. I mean, baths with epsom salts, bath bombs, candles, snacks, drinks — the works. I spend hours reading escapist fiction in the bath and pretending everything is fine. It’s very therapeutic! For a hilarious twist on the bathing experience, I recommend Truth Bombs, bath bombs that contain messages like “he doesn’t deserve you” and “congrats, you’re basic.” Like fortune cookies but more soothing for the muscles!
4. ‘#Resist Bear’ Shirt
If there was one thing none of us could predict about the Trump presidency, it was that the National Parks would be the first government service to go rogue. And yet, that’s exactly what they did in January of this year! Show your support for those disruptors disguised as park rangers with this Smokey-looking Bear #Resist shirt.
5. Angry Girls Club Colouring Zine
If there’s anything better than devoting a soothing afternoon to coloring books and perfectly sharpened pencil crayons, it’s definitely doing all of that with the bonus of having a handmade feminist zine to color in. The Angry Girls Club Colouring zine helps you make your self-care even more political than it already was!
6. Dust II Onyx: A Melanated Tarot
Tarot can be a fun and amazing tool for getting in touch with your intuition, but unfortunately most of the mainstream tarot decks available don’t reflect the diversity of those practicing the craft. Artist Courtney Alexander is working to rectify that with her gorgeous Dust II Onyx deck, which, according to her website, features “78 mixed media collage paintings accented with gold and spot gloss featuring cultural myths, symbolism, history and icons within the Black Diaspora.” The deck also comes with a 220-page hardbound guidebook.
7. Many Moons Workbook
Speaking of all things woo, I can’t recommend this workbook highly enough. Using wonderfully inclusive language, Many Moons offers rituals, astrology, and endless encouragement for every moon phase in a six month period. I was honestly skeptical at first, but it has been genuinely life-changing. My therapist refers to it as my “lunar-based cognitive behavioral therapy,” which, frankly, isn’t far from the truth. This is the perfect treat for someone in your life who is feeling a little lost and is looking to connect with her witchy side.
8. ‘Dinosaur Eats Man, Woman Inherits The Earth’ Patch
A bonus feature of this patch is that every time you see it you will probably think of Jeff Goldblum lying around sweaty and shirtless in Jurassic Park. I mean, only if that’s your thing! It is definitely my thing.
9. ARTSNACKS Subscription Box
I fucking love a good subscription box. Cute things? That I like? Every month? In the mail? Sign me the heck up! If making art is your jam, then this box is for you. Every month you’ll get 4–5 full-sized art products, a “menu” describing each product, and some information on how to use it and what techniques to try. Even more fun, there’s a “challenge” every month to try to create something using only the products in that month’s box, and participants are encouraged to post their creations on social media under the hashtag #ArtSnacksChallenge. The great thing about art is that you can use it either to avoid your feelings or work through your feelings. It’s very versatile!
10. ‘Girls Against More Male Art’ Socks
Speaking of art, these socks would be perfect for the person in your life who is tired of going to galleries and seeing works that are 99.9% by dudes. Because it’s not that we hate male art, it’s just that we don’t really need more of it.
11. ‘Liberté, Egalité, Sorotité’ Wall Tapestry
France’s post-revolution motto of liberté, égalité, fraternité (liberty, equality, brotherhood) is pretty alright, but it’s even better when you substitute sisterhood for brotherhood. This wall hanging would make an excellent addition to any Feminist Killjoy’s living space!
12. ‘Fuck Shame’ Pin
Fuck shame. Just fuck it. Fuck feeling ashamed about our bodies, our emotions, our life choices. Fuck it all.
13. ‘Decolonize Body Image’ Magnet
Nalgona Positivity Pride is a xicana-brown* body-positive organization that focuses on creating eating disorders awareness in communities of color, and on decolonizing the body. They make beautiful art like this magnet, which serves the double purpose of sprucing up someone’s fridge and reminding everyone around to challenge Euro-centric beauty standards.
14. ‘Nonbinary’ Pin
This delightfully nerdy pin features the word “nonbinary” written in binary code. Perfect for the nerdy nonbinary individual in your life who loves a good pun!
15. ‘I Am Rooting For Everybody Black’ Shirt
I know a lot of people who love this Issa Rae quote. Maybe you know some too? If yes, I bet they would love one of these shirts!
16. ‘Be An Eleven’ Tote
Get out there. Fuck shit up. Save your friends. Save the world. Wear a cute dress. Eat a box of eggos. Glare nonchalantly at people. Don’t lie. Be an Eleven. We need more Elevens.
17. ‘GRL PWR’ Pillow
This delightful pillow — which is available in a range of pastel colors — would perfectly complement the decor of many a Feminist Killjoy’s abode. Throw pillows make great gifts because they say, “I want your place to look cute but I also want you to take naps if you need to.”
18. ‘A Witch Bows To No Man’ Sticker
This sticker is perfect for the feminist witch in your life. Which I suspect is most of the witches in your life. And if you don’t have any witches in your life, well, I suggest you find yourself some because witches are some of the best people around.
19. ‘Feminist’ Necklace
“Nice necklace,” he’ll say.
“Thank you,” the friend you bought this necklace for will say. “It is the metaphorical knife with which I will slice the white-cis-heteropatriarchy into ribbons. And then I will use those ribbons to decorate whatever I want. Maybe you’ll even want a ribbon to wear in your hair, because once the revolution is over men will no longer be terrified of embracing traditionally feminine accoutrements.”
“Oh,” he’ll say. “Ok. Good. Did you want any cream or sugar in your coffee?”
20. ‘Trans Punks’ Shirt
“Smash The Cis-tem” would make a great band name, I’m just saying. And this shirt would make a great gift for someone on your list!
21. Maxine Waters Pin
Let us conclude this list (and our year) by taking a cue from the venerable Maxine Waters and reclaiming our time. This pin is ideal for the days when you need a little encouragement to remind the men in your life to stop talking over you and LET YOU USE YOUR TIME. Now is the time to reclaim everything that belongs to you and you alone: your time, your joy, your place in the world.
Shine bright, darlings. Happy holidays.