I Am Matthew McConaughey, And I Am Your Best Self

flickr/WDPG share

Alright, alright, alright.

Now see folks here’s what we call a McCon-essay, a — a McConaughe-rant, or what have you. Tu comprendo brother? This is just a way to be, a way to be your best self — me — I am your best self. Just believe me when I say that, amigo. But I know what you’re thinking though, aight — you’re thinking “How could Academy Award winning actor, Matthew McConaughey, the living embodiment of McConaissance AND the baby angel plus the alien emoji — have time, have actual time, and not to mention the d e d i c a t i o n for this kind of social enlightenment?” Now, see, there’s a darkness, right? But with all those kinds of dark there comes a light . . . ness.

A reservoir of truth has shot out of me and I shall not betray it, no sir, I am for the people, by the people, I will serve in all my mighty capacity to bring y’all to some good ol’ McConaughey state of livin’ no matter. Let me bring you to that J(ust) K(eep) L(ivin’) kind of goodness, hombre. I am me, but you can be me, too. You and I can both be me, together, in the holy light towards the sunsets of providence (not the city) onwards to the betterment of humanity, to the betterment of us, right on right on to the end goal of real true protruding happiness. I am my own hero in 10 years — so, let me be yours, too. I’ll show you the way, brother.

Alright, alright folks here are some much needed tips to be more like me.

matthew embed

Numero Uno: If you do not have a McConaug-drawl — as in part Texan, part mildly stringed-together Spanish, and part whatever the fuck you want — then what are ya really doing with yo life, brother?

Numero Two: Now, see, I am the epitome of the great Southern American Dream. I am tan enough to look ethnically ambiguous but I am white enough to not make white people uncomfortable. It’s a win-win hombre. So here’s my second Mcconaugh-tip to you — become white and get a tan, it’s just that easy folks.

Three: Now, what you might not know — might not synthesize when you first happen upon my great physique — and now I don’t blame you, no, no, I’m just saying, I’m just saying I wouldn’t blame you for not knowing that I am . . . actually . . . very . . . fun. I am funny, I am fun, you know what I’m saying brother? I’m a funny person. I make jokes, I know how to wield a joke so it creates laughter in the very deep pits of your stomach that’s so real, so intense, so hilarious, ha ha you know what I mean now, don’t you brother?

I’m funny.

Four: I read, you know homie? Like, read. I don’t read that 50 Shades shit, nah — I read like deep shit, you feel me? I read words on the pages, but they also read me, you know? They read me. You ever read Kafka? Kafka writing to Max Brod, ya feel me brother? Talking about death, tuberculosis, and shit. Awww yeah!! That’s the good stuff right there brother. The Magic Mountain, Thomas Mann — life changing, man. Read that shit brother, read it.

Five: Now let me tell you a story: okay, okay, it’s the year twenty-oh-nine, you follow me? I’ve just finished the very successful Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with the wonderful Jennifer Garner — hey Jen — and I’m just pondering, you know, I’m feeling the feels, I’m doing the searching of my life, okay, of my l i f e. My wife Camila asks me: “Matthew, are you happy?” And I think to myself, “No, no I’m not.” Now, I couldn’t lie to myself if I wanted to, you know, it’s that good Southern upbringing — shout out to my mother and the great city of Houston — and I think: “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” And then it hits me — get your life fucking together, man. And so I do.

Now I’m Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey, chyeah, shit brother!

Six: I used to be a Hollywood joke, okay. There’s just no way around it, and I wanna be real with you, homie: I was a joke. Not just to Hollywood, but to myself, too. I didn’t take roles where I had to take my shirt off — no siree — I added that part right in brother. Did that all by myself, all for myself. But you’re going ask me why, Matthew? Why did you want to take your shirt off, Matthew? And I’ve just got three words for you hombre: I look good. Oof, yah, I look fucking good. And I still do, but that takes discipline, see. It’s true I don’t take my shirt off as much anymo’ — in Dallas Buyers Club nobody wanted to see me with my shirt off, I was n a s t y, fuck, but did you see Rustin Cohle in ‘95 — that hair, that ass — I ain’t gonna deny it — I looked good. So, look good too, I believe in you brother.

Numero Sept: I think on my feet all the time, alright — when I’m at award shows, which is a thing I do a lot, I just gotta think on my feet. I gotta be me, and think. Let me tell you a story, once I was at Buffalo, I wasn’t a buffalo, I was in Buffalo — the state — and I was with my son Levi . . . cute kid . . . we were just hiking up some pretty tall mountains when out of nowhere, and when I say “nowhere” I ain’t kidding — out of nowhere — this mountain goat just appears. Now Levi starts screaming, the goat’s huffing, I’m panicking, what do I do? This animal is looking at me dead on, like I’m one of him and he’s one of me and we’re just looking at each other like we’re carnal animals looking into the depths of each other’s souls, right? And I know what’s going on, I feel it, I know what he’s thinking and that’s when I decide that there’s just no two ways around it: so I throw my son Levi over the mountain and then I scream like a hyena and just jump the fuck right out of there.

So be like me; think on your feet.

Shit, son, you gotta have chill though.
Shit, son, you gotta have chill though.

Eight: Shit, son, you gotta have chill though. Nobody likes somebody with no chill, mkay? When you’re having a panic attack because, you know, you lost your job, or, or you realize that — that one day you’re going to die, or you’ve just watched Interstellar and you’re like why the fuck would Anne Hathaway wanna live on a planet on her own — think this: chill out homie. And you will. That’s a McConauguarantee.

Nine: Smoke weed, brother. Smoke that goddamn weed. There’s a reason why that shit was put on this beautiful, pristine earth we have here. Weed elucidates, it educates, it elevates — there’s a reason it’s called a high, homie — just think of that.

Ten: JKL. Just. Keep. Living. Don’t stop living, homies. Don’t do it — there will be times that the devil, and I mean metaphorically the devil, it could be you, you could be your own devil, ya feel me? You’re thinking I can’t live another day — no, I can’t do this: but you can. Live. Just keep living, hombre, don’t give up.

That’s it homies. Just some easy tips to live yo life with some McConaugh-ease. Try this shit out, and then thank me later brothers (and sisters, I don’t discriminate). Peace out from the McConau-crib.

Watch a dramatic reading of Matthew McConaughey’s tip-filled McConaughe-rant below!

Like what you read? Give The Establishment a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.

Responses
The author has chosen not to show responses on this story. You can still respond by clicking the response bubble.