‘Your Hair Was Innocent Once’

Good morrow dear Establishers — I hope this Saturday finds you in the most delectable of moods, fueled by whatever Friday night debauchery — coitus! coffee cake! chocolate stout! cat cuddling! Charlie Chaplin! channeling demons! — truly turns your gears.

Here at The Establishment, we like to kick off our Saturdays with a vintage video hailing from the dusty coffers of yore; we like to remind ourselves that contrary to what the current political landscape looks like in America — which increasingly feels like a dystopian nightmare I’m REALLY READY TO WAKE UP FROM — our society has actually made a few strides from the primordial sexist soup.

To be honest, this little gem is less sexist than it is bizarre. But don’t fret; the virgin obsession is still omnipresent, as is the utterly asinine use of horses. I bet you didn’t know that like your vagina, your hair can fall from grace. It was once innocent, but as Father Time — mean ‘ol bastard that he is — has marched forth, wreaking havoc on your corporeal self, your hair is old, grey, tired. And your tawdry trick to hide your fleeting youth with hair dye is a farce. “Your hair doesn’t look innocent anymore.”

I guess the takeaway here is that if you use this hair dye, you too can look like you once did, strolling the beach with a gal-pal with four horses in tow. Because you definitely need four. Or, at least you have four now because the other two girls drowned because they didn’t know how to swim…or ride a horse…and those big nags tossed them into the surf before trampling their slender necks in the surf…and then all those crabs came to see what was for lunch.

Shiver.

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