7 Sad & Tragic Truths About Learning A Language As An Adult
If you’d have told me ten years ago that 29-year old me would be fluent in Italian, I’d have laughed in your face.
Not just because it’s one of the most beautiful, melodic and sexy languages ever, but because I’d have never believed that I could have the patience and resilience to learn anything to a fluent level.
I tried French in school but didn’t care about it enough to give it any real effort. I spent my childhood years in and out of Arabic school, but nothing stuck.
I even dabbled in Spanish while at university, toying with the idea of one day moving to a sunny little coastal town where I could spend my days sipping cocktails and flirting with bronze Mediterranean boys.
Needless to say, I never made any progress with any of the above, and eventually decided that learning a new language just wasn’t my thing. I have my books, so I’ll stick with that.
Fast forward a decade and I can officially say I’ve learned a new language: Italian!
And while this journey has been exhilarating and rewarding, for the most part, it’s been like dragging my bare feet through a pile of burning hot coal, with no end in sight.
So that’s what I want to share with you. What nobody tells you about learning a new language. And I’d know. I’ve spent hours, days, weeks pouring over the internet, looking for a head start on this language learning journey, any tips, hints, secrets, breadcrumbs, anything that would prepare me for what was to come. I found zilch.
So here are some of the things I wish I’d known at the start. In fact, the next time someone asks me, “how is it learning Italian?” I’m just going to send them this article and that’ll be that.
- You’ll discover your new personality
When I finally felt confident enough to actually start speaking out loud, everyone around me started saying that I seemed like a completely different person when I spoke in Italian.
At first, I loved hearing it! Everything was still such a novelty to me and just hearing myself speak in a whole new language was trippy AF. I sound like a different person? Omg, like how?
I was sweeter, everyone said. Lady-like. Polite. More charming than usual.
Interesting, I thought. I wasn’t exactly going to complain, was I? The fact that I sounded like anything at all was good enough for me. As long as I wasn’t butchering the Italian language with an uncultured, tone-deaf British accent, who cares. Besides, who doesn’t want to come across as more charming and lovely, amiright?
After a while though, the same comments started to piss me off. Well obviously I sound sweeter when I speak in Italian, I don’t have a full range of vocabulary at my disposal to truly express my witty, intelligent self, do I? Ugh!
Because when you learn a new language, there’ll come a time after the initial excitement has worn off when you simply won’t have the right words to express yourself, and you’ll be shrunk to your most basic character as a result.
Your witty comebacks won’t be translated, your dark humour will go amiss and your satirical observations will fall on flat ears. You’ll end up thinking most of your conversations in your head, but never actually having them out loud. And as a result, a lot of people will just assume that you’re sweet.
2. You’ll become much more observant
Once your lack of vocabulary has whittled you down to a simpleton and you find yourself struggling to keep up with basic group conversations, you’ll have no choice but to simply observe. At least until you learn the language, anyway.
And it’s actually one of the most important stages of the language learning process, albeit the most infuriating.
Conversations in Italy are intense. Topics change from one to the next within milliseconds. People talk all over each other. The person who started the sentence is rarely the person who finishes it. Loud voices drown out everyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone start a story and actually finish it thanks to the shocking frequency with which people interrupt each other and take over the conversation. Seriously, it’s a fucking mess.
So while you slowly learn the language and you’re able to speak in group settings, you’ll have already spent so much time as a mute, observing how it’s done that you should at least, hopefully, be able to string a couple of sentences together without sounding like a complete idiot. Hopefully.
3. You’ll get really pissed off that everyone doesn’t speak English
Yes, I’m a stereotype. No, I no longer care.
When I first moved to Italy, I did everything in my power not to be that typical English person who expects everyone else to speak English in a place where it’s not even the common language.
After all, I wanted to learn Italian. I wanted this fully immersive Italian experience that I had dreamed of for so long!
So I always made sure I was prepared. Before going to buy a coffee from the local bar, I’d make a quick brainstorm of all the possible words, phrases and questions that might come up and I would try to memorize as much as I could.
Before going to the supermarket, I’d write a list of questions and responses just in case I’d need to ask where the canned aisle is, or if god forbid, someone asked me where the canned aisle is.
I was fully aware that English isn’t widely spoken in Italy, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back on it if I got stuck.
But sometimes, I would struggle to get the words out and the supermarket cashier would shout at me and I just wouldn’t understand, no matter how many times I’d ask her to repeat herself more slowly.
I’d feel the long line of people waiting behind me tutting and sighing and getting impatient. Stupid English arrogant girl, I’d assume they’d all be thinking.
I’d ask the cashier to repeat just one more time please so I could type it into Google Translate and then eventually, after several heart palpitations, two sweaty palms and a pending anxiety attack, I’d manage to type in whatever she was yelling at me and she was simply asking if I had a fucking loyalty card.
Like, SERIOUSLY? Nobody in this entire queue of 10 people could translate that into ENGLISH?! Not Japanese, not Swahili, not Arabic, but ENGLISH. Godammit, it’s one of the most common languages in the world, why does nobody here speak even a little bit of it?
Those are the thoughts that will go through your mind, as much as you believe that you’ll never feel that way. Because we simply can’t expect the whole world to speak English if it’s not their language, English speakers are so entitled. Right?
Wrong. It’s just what happens when you learn a foreign language, and I can finally admit it without feeling ashamed. Does expecting people in Italy to speak English make me a self-entitled, arrogant Brit? Maybe. BUT THAT’S JUST WHO I AM NOW, OK?
4. You’ll need therapy
And because of that, you’ll need someone to talk to lol.
You might be lucky and find English-speaking friends in your new home, or you’ll be like me and find that most expats in your new city are basically just overgrown Erasmus students that want to party all the time*. Or they’re here for the famous dolce vita experience and will go back home after a year, leaving you with nothing but drunken memories and maybe some abandonment issues.
Either way, it’s really hard making new friends in a foreign country.
Starting a new life in a country that isn’t your own, in a language that isn’t your own is hard. Your friends back home simply won’t get it, and your new friends will constantly ask you why you left such an amazing place like London to be in Italy (cue eye roll), and you’ll end up with a whole lot of frustration and no one to talk to about it. If you can afford it, get a therapist. Seriously.
*no judgment if non-stop partying is your thing or if you like the idea of hanging out with exchange students drinking two euro gin&tonics but I’m almost 30 and I’m tired, and my hangovers last three days and I have no more fight left in me.
5. You’ll let a lot of things slide.
So much so that if you have an attitude problem or you tend to react to things too fast, too often, I highly recommend moving to a new country where you don’t speak the language because trust me when I say this. You will let a lot of shit slide.
And not because you want to. But because during those first stages of learning a new language, you simply won’t be able to get the words out fast enough. You have to think carefully about everything you want to say, before you say it, every. single. time. By force!
You know those moments when you think of a killer comeback the day after an argument and you’re like damn, why didn’t I think of that yesterday?
You’ll experience that at least twice a day, and that’s if you’re lucky.
Everyone will think you’re a lovely, agreeable, civilised person when really, you’re silent collecting as much of the language as you can so that one day when you’re fluent, you can articulately say everything that’s on your mind and everyone will realise just how brilliant you really are.
This brings me to my next point…
6. You’ll feel stupid, all the time
Everything you want to say, you’ll simplify as much as possible in order to match your limited vocabulary and the result is that you’ll just sound dumb all the time.
But hey, it’s part of the process, right? *cries in foreign*
I’ll never forget this one time during my first year in Rome, I was sitting in a bar by myself, reading Winter Girls (a raw, heart-wrenching novel about two teenage girls who suffer from anorexia and bulimia, and one of the girls overdoses and tragically dies) and this guy came up to me and asked me what my book was about. My Italian was SO limited back then, that all I could manage was some fractured sentence about “a book about no food” lmaooooo I’m cringing so bad while typing this, how embarrassing.
I mean, come on. You can’t NOT feel stupid after that. And everyone else will think you’re stupid too because even though it’s obvious you’re learning a language, you just can’t take back some of the dumb ass shit you’re inevitably going to say.
You’ll ask for a plate of penis instead of a plate of penne (because the only thing that distinguishes the two words in Italian is an extra n, so have fun with that).
You’ll tell a stranger you’re turned on, instead of saying you’re looking forward to something because the translation of excited in Italian is eccitata, which means horny.
And if you’re me, you might even tell a cute barista that you need to f**k, instead of saying you need to run! Because devo scappare means gotta run!, but devo scopare means I need to bang!)
It is what it is. Try to overcome it. Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’ve got to laugh at yourself, otherwise, you’ll cry and go back to your country lol.
7. After a while, your limited vocabulary won’t be cute anymore
I know this is harsh, but we’re dropping truth bombs here.
For a while, your new friends/colleagues/boyfriends/girlfriends will find your elementary Italian cute and endearing, and nobody will mind that you constantly need things to be repeated, or a menu translated.
For the most part, Italians specifically, seem so happy that a foreigner is learning their beloved language, that you’ll experience nothing but the greatest enthusiasm on their part, and trust me, it’ll help.
After a while though, you might start to feel like a burden, and your inability to communicate properly will be just a teeny tiny bit annoying. Don’t get me wrong, nobody will say it, but you’ll start to feel it.
Hurried explanations when you need the group to stop and re-explain what was just said because they were talking too fast. Or you finally manage to get a word in edgeways but then you struggle to find a specific word and someone impatiently rushes you along so the conversation can keep moving.
These things are all really subtle, but you should start to notice them if you pay attention, and it’ll only really happen if you’ve been living in a place for more than a couple of years (by which point, I suppose it’s expected to have a decent grasp of the language).
And when these moments happen, let it be your sign to really crank things up a notch and take your language learning more seriously. Because unless you’ve moved to a country that speaks your native language, it’s the only way you can build genuine relationships.
Over and out.
