Thinking of Having a Baby Abroad? Read This.
For the longest time, I was convinced that I couldn’t have a baby while living abroad.
I don’t mean that I would not do it, or even that I should not do it; I could not do it, because I wouldn’t allow myself.
It was too daunting.
Navigating health care in a foreign country is never fun, especially when you’re facing a language barrier. Add to that a life-changing (and body-changing) event like pregnancy, where you aren’t always sure what’s happening to you or inside of you, and the challenge becomes inconceivable.
What if you can’t communicate what you’re feeling? What if you can’t understand what the doctors are telling you? And what if this tiny little life growing inside of you depends on it?
That fear put me off the idea for a long time. I told myself raising a family would have to wait until my husband got a green card and we moved back to the States.
But, about a year ago, I started to have a series of conversations that shifted my perspective. It started when my mother reminded me that the United States has the worst maternity care out of all developed nations. What’s more, the good ole U-S-of-A’s maternal mortality rate is on the rise. Chances are, she told me, any care I could receive in Serbia (where I live currently) would be just as good, if not better.
A few months later I met one of my colleagues for coffee. She had recently returned from a year of maternity leave and described her first pregnancy as “amazing.” Her story was the most positive experience I had heard so far — not just in Serbia, but in my life. What made it especially encouraging was the fact that she’s also a foreigner here. It blew my mind that someone could come away from that experience so empowered, despite speaking little of the local language.
Needless to say, she quickly became my role model. For the first time, I thought, “Huh. Maybe I can do this.”
I’m more than halfway through my first pregnancy now and, truthfully, it’s been nothing like I expected. I still face fear and anxiety (it comes with the territory), but I’m also armed with so much knowledge I didn’t have before, as well as incredible support from everyone around me. Had I known what my own pregnancy could be like, there’s a chance I would not have shied away from it for so long.
If you’re equally uncertain about jumping on the baby train, I hear you. COMPLETELY. And, what has turned out to be great for me thus far may not be the right choice for you (every woman—and pregnancy — is different). But, you deserve to make that choice based on real knowledge, not fear.
So here are 5 tips to demystify pregnancy abroad that I wish I knew much sooner:
1. Let go of what you “know” about pregnancy
Nausea, weight gain, stretch marks, extra facial hair, swollen ankles, varicose veins, back pain — all culminating in an event which tears you wide open and leaves you bed-ridden, only to be followed by sleepless nights and dirty diapers?
Pass.
That was the impression I had growing up, anyway. Loud complaints from seasoned moms and pretty much every TV show only compounded my impression, until I became quite certain that it was borderline masochistic to become pregnant.
The reality? You aren’t likely to experience all of those symptoms, and the ones you do have may not be severe. Every pregnancy is different, so there’s no guarantee you’ll experience many (or any) of these things, and you’re almost guaranteed not to have the same experience as that sister-in-law who painted such a gruesome picture for you.
Start by educating yourself with a good book or an established online resource. (“What to Expect When You’re Expecting” is a classic for a reason, and there’s a free “What to Expect” app with a lot of similar content.) This will help you parse fact from fiction and it can arm you with practical advice on how to manage your pregnancy and postpartum recovery. I myself was shocked to discover how many common complaints about pregnancy are either myths or manageable.
Once you “know” all that, be prepared to let some of it go, too. Not all countries share the same practices, which means your monthly checkups and delivery might be very different from what you read about. Establish a modest birth plan and ask ahead of time about any policies that are really important to you (such as your birthing position, epidural administration, delayed cord clamping, breast vs. bottle feeding in the first 48 hours, etc.).
Depending on the country, they may or may not accommodate your requests, and you should be mentally prepared to make some sacrifices. Rest assured: It’s their job to help you deliver a healthy baby and these doctors do it for hundreds of women every day, even if it doesn’t happen according to your dream plan.
2. Research your options
If you’re a full-fledged expat/immigrant who’s been living and working in your country of choice for some time, you may be entitled to incredible health care and work benefits. If you aren’t sure what these are and whether they’re available to you, find out. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Many of us have heard about parental leave in France, but you can enjoy some pretty amazing benefits in countries further afield than that (not all of them are “first world,” either).
For reference, I’m writing from a country in Eastern Europe where women are legally entitled to a year of paid maternity leave, with the possibility to go on paid pregnancy leave before then. Some women extend their maternity leave past the year mark if their children are still learning how to walk. When they finally do go back to work, they have state-subsidized daycare at their disposal.
On top of this, take a good look at the local health care and consider how comfortable you are with it. Do you have private insurance, or will you have to pay entirely out of pocket? Do you plan on going to a state hospital, instead? (Sometimes the best doctors are placed there.) Which hospitals near you are known to have the best prenatal and pediatric care? And is “best” according to a standard you know and trust?
If you’re uncertain about any of this, find a friend or colleague who went through childbirth recently (better yet, find a foreign friend who did it). First-hand perspective can make all the difference.
3. Principles be damned
As soon as they find out you’re expecting (or trying for a baby), everyone will have advice. You’ll quickly learn to tune it out, either because you don’t like the example they’ve set or because you simply can’t subscribe to that “swing a necklace over your belly to find out the gender” routine.
But, keep in mind that there’s a big difference between old wives’ tales and health care. Some people might refer their doctor to you, and it’s possible this doctor is a close family friend (or like, your mother-in-law’s aunt’s half-sister’s cousin). If that sounds a bit shady, it may be tempting to decline — but don’t ignore this.
These “ins” with the doctor can carry a lot of weight. That mutual connection might guarantee more personal, dedicated care when you really need it. If you’re living in a place where you know this to be true, now is not the time to get “high and mighty” about the principle of the matter.
I know people who both have and have not accepted personal recommendations like this, and they came away with very different experiences (as in, one very positive and the other unnecessarily negative).
The same goes for any customs akin to tipping (essentially, bribing) the staff — make sure you know what these are and when they’re appropriate. Again, you may not like this practice, but turning your nose up at it will only affect you and your baby.
That said, there’s one principle you should never sacrifice: your comfort.
You don’t have to accept every recommendation, and you certainly shouldn’t do so when it leaves you feeling at risk. A “great” doctor by one person’s standards may not be “great” according to your own. This can be especially true if recommendations are coming to you from people who did not grow up in the same culture or ethnic group as your own. Who knows: that doctor who received a rave review from your friends may not treat you the way you want. If this is seriously affecting you, customs be damned.
Ultimately, your goal is to find a doctor you communicate with well, either in their language, your language, or with the constant presence of your partner to translate. That communication will foster psychological safety, which is the most important thing you need right now.
4. Get positive perspective
As soon as the topic of pregnancy comes up, plenty of women will share their personal horror stories with you:
“Oh, you’re pregnant? Let me tell you about my labor that lasted 7 zillion hours...”
“I couldn’t eat for weeks when I was pregnant. My head was always in the toilet.”
“…blood — everywhere…”
“… And then, they cut me with SCISSORS.”
“You will want to die. But don’t worry.”
Ignore them.
So much of this transformation is about mind over body, and the last thing you need is to let their experiences become your experience before it even begins. If you find their stories keeping you awake at night, ask yourself:
How long ago did this person give birth? If it was decades ago, potentially during wartime or severe dictatorship or in some village lacking modern resources, then you’re not likely to be facing the same circumstances. Also, remember that many clinics now take a more progressive approach than our parents got to experience.
Go and find someone your own age to talk to, ideally someone who had a child locally in the last 1–2 years, for a more relevant perspective. If you found such a person and she still had a terrible experience, ask yourself:
Do her life choices resemble my own? If the answer is No, then this is not someone whose perspective matters. Plenty of things will be out of your control during pregnancy, but there are also plenty of things within your control — chief among them is your attitude and how you choose to spend these nine months preparing. If this friend of yours often makes bad decisions (or no decisions) in her life, then of course her pregnancy would be no different.
Instead, find someone with the same attitude and experience you want to have during your own pregnancy. This person won’t necessarily be part of your extended family (in fact, it might be better if they’re not). But ideally, you’ll have something in common — mutual friends, your job, maybe you go to the same kick-boxing class — because that indicates similar life choices.
Not everything will turn out the same for you (remember, every pregnancy is different), but it’s important to keep that real-life example in sight and expose yourself to positive affirmation.
If you don’t have a friend or colleague like this, a solid alternative is social media. Find a reputable channel or influencer with a positive birth experience whose story resonates with you and follow their content.
And speaking of the internet: The World Wide Web is your oyster. Whether you’re looking for prenatal yoga, breathing techniques, infant CPR, or a rundown on the latest baby products, you will find a wealth of knowledge online — including material from OBGYNs and other licensed professionals. This can supplement or substitute birth classes in your area that may feel inaccessible to you as a foreigner. You won’t get the community aspect of showing up to a traditional birthing class, but you will get informed.
5. Find other foreign moms (and dads)
Having a baby is a big event for both of you, not just the mom-to-be. If you’re the new dad (or non-pregnant partner) in your relationship, then this last piece of advice goes for you too: find other foreign parents!
Don’t know any personally? Turn to social media — chances are, you can find a local group to connect with. These are the people who share your unique perspective right now: they have (or will soon have) a baby in the same country, possibly without knowing the local language, and certainly while going through similar doubts and fears to your own.
There are no stupid or shameful questions in front of them. Do you need help finding a doctor who speaks your language? Does “common sense” here conflict with the tried and true child-rearing advice you grew up hearing back home? Are you concerned about the rumors you heard that mothers in one hospital are bribing the nurses with chocolate so they can get extra care?
Ask away — their answers will probably comfort you.
It was a long time before I felt ready to start a family, in part because I didn’t have positive examples I could relate to. Just remember that pregnancy comes with joys and challenges, whether life takes you on that journey at home or somewhere abroad. Though it may not be the right time (or place) for you, I hope that’s a decision you’ll make based on factors greater than fear.
I, for one, would’ve embraced motherhood a bit sooner.
What’s some of the best baby advice you’ve heard in your host country? If you’re already raising kids abroad, what were the biggest surprises for you?
