Things I am learning to do while recovering from workaholism

I am a recovering workaholic. I used “recovering” because I think I am still a workaholic. Before I quit my last full-time job two years ago, all I did was work. I would work, think about work, and talk about work. I made the mistake of thinking workaholism only applies to paid work, but it turns out the effects of work addiction doesn’t care whether the work is commercial or not.

So slowly, I made myself learn to do other things.

I am learning to

(the previous version of myself is expressed in brackets):

Take better care of myself

(Didn’t even know this has to be a thing in order to be sane.)

Building resilience through a sustainable self

…and have more self-compassion

(I hated myself so much I hated mirrors.)

What I learned from cultivating self-compassion

Appreciate my environment

(Workaholism robbed time out of me to explore, witness, contemplate.)

We cannot protect what we do not know

Walk a lot

(I barely walked 2000 steps a day.)

I did last the 24km, in fact the actual distance measured was slightly over 30km.

Visit museums and appreciate art

(I had never visited a museum voluntarily until I was 34.)

Turner (never knew who he was!), portrait of Diana (I cried looking at this), two people sketching in a musuem.

Now they are such a deep source of inspiration and awe.

Make my own art

(Art has no utility!!)

Learning to free myself with making art

Love a person

(I could barely love myself.)

A love letter

Make a prototype with javascript and firebase

(I only learned whatever that benefitted my job.)

A self-directed learning network: WIP v0.2

Play the piano

(Learn to play the piano as an adult?! The piano teacher I had when I was a kid literally called me stupid!)

I can play a simple version of Vivaldi’s Spring now, with two hands, and I learned it in less than two weeks!

Cook

Draw

(I dismissed my capacity to draw. I have a problem with brain-hand coordination, I would say.)

I think I was bad at drawing because I never had enough patience to observe and move my hand slowly enough. Drawing requires a lot of concentration. It was a very interesting exercise to observe myself trying not to implode in frustration.

Notice beauty in everyday moments

(I would never have noticed this because I was just too busy working or thinking about work.)

Why

What is the point of being alive? I think the answer differs for everybody. I used to think the purpose of being a human being is to make a dent on the universe. I became obsessed with that guiding philosophy, and work became the sole source of my self-worth and identity.

Without work I realised I was nothing. I had no reason to live. I learned that obsession with making dents can make unintended damaging dents and there are long-term repercussions.

There is just so much aliveness if only we care to see it and experience it, whether in the world, or in ourselves. I want to know who I am, and who I can be, without work.

I am now doing all the things I never thought I would or could do. Maybe I am not making a dent on the universe, but I am making dents in myself — dents into other dimensions of myself which I had never known to exist.

I think the biggest takeaway is how much conditioning and self-imposed limits have shaped and constrained my life.

I am writing this post partially for myself, because I have a chronically depressed brain and it makes me feel like I didn’t do much and of course being a recovering workaholic this is difficult for me. Documenting helps. It helps me to see how far I’ve come along.

Related:

Freedom does not come free

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