Letters from The Fainting Goat Offense Lawsuit
Also known as, Part 2
Dearest Judge Babu,
It is with utmost sincerity that I request your pardon and that we ‘let bygones be bygones” so-to-speak. The events that unfolded during our most recent trial are completely inexcusable and grew far out of hand. We took advantage of your good faith and I would like to formally apologize for both my behavior and that of my client. Personally, I would like to first apologize for my client’s (Smokey’s) behavior and then my own.
I’m sorry my client:
- Told the court that I told him to “not let the bed bugs bite.”
- Called Mr. Prackles “some kind of footballer” and a “Mr. Bigshot” before threatening to “kick it.”
- Threw a shoe at nobody in particular.
- Allegedly pushed Ms. Highgarten from her chair to reveal her peanut butter belongings.
- Is Norwegian but also somehow located in France.
- Allegedly called the Plaintiff “an idiot” thus re-offending her.
I’m sorry I:
- Used the word “gobble” and “fool” in relation to the Plaintiff.
- Argued with Mr. Prackles despite your objection.
- Approached the Plaintiff “with malicious intent” (according to Mr. Prackles).
- Laughed at them both.
- Took it upon myself to proceed with the examination without your jurisdiction.
- Apologized for him being Norwegian but also somehow located in France.
Above all I’m sorry this all transpired as it did. Although my client did effectively ‘win’, I’m sure we would have settled appropriately if the proceedings had run their course. If you could see it in your heart to let me once more practice in your esteemed court of law, I would be most grateful. I look forward to hearing your response and wish you and yours the very best.
Your colleague and friend,
CAITLYN ELIZABETH VODOVATOV, ESQ.
Dear Judge Aditya Babu,
I am so incredibly sorry about the events that unfolded during my most recent visit to your courthouse; there are no excuses for our actions. I wrote this letter on behalf of myself and my client to seek respite from your furor so that we may enter your court of law again when the time is right. We should not have behaved the way we did and for that we would prefer that this serve as an official apology from the both of us and the firm I serve. If you could please find it in your heart to accept it, we would be most grateful.
I’m sorry the plaintiff (Jacqueline):
- Lied about being allergic to peanut butter. She was nervous and didn’t want anyone to know about her bad habits.
- Used the phrase: “In today’s day and age”.
- Told the Defendant to “Shut-up” and threatened the general “you”.
- Shrieked. Twice.
- Ruined your wonderful wood flooring with Peanut Butter Candy Pieces.
I’m sorry I:
- Asked the Defending attorney to “control (her) client”.
- Attempted to play judge judy and executioner.
- Told Smokey his “Offense (attorney) is playing defense.”
- Raised my fists in your court.
- Became offended in your court.
Finally, I’m sorry you had to live through this ordeal and its aftermath. Despite the circumstances and the ultimate failure of my client to answer truthfully in your court of law, I firmly believe that you would have seen fit to deliver an appropriate punishment to the defendant for the offense that they committed. Perhaps their time shall come but until then we will wait patiently for your honor’s response. We both look forward to hearing back from you and wish you all the best in the coming year.
Your pal,
SIMON G. PRACKLES, ESQ.
