I Just Wanted A Hug
How Improv Improved My Empathy
Business relationships aren’t much different from any other human relationships we have.
Paul Martin writes in his article “The Irresistible Magnetism of EMPATHY in Sales — 10 Things The Very Best Sales People Do” that people just want to be listened to, be given time to air their views, be understood, and ultimately feel the effects of empathy.
As a salesperson, these items need to be in your mind when conversing with any potential and current clients you have. It takes time to build this rapport, so engaging in conversation that doesn’t just state the benefits of your product and also shows the customer that you truly understand what they are saying is crucial.
Here’s the thing, oftentimes, the customer doesn’t understand what they want or need; they just have a reason for being interested in what you’re selling. So instead of trying to understand their entire business from day one (impossible), engage with them and learn why they are even talking to you in the first place. Business may be fine and they don’t need anything to maintain what they are doing, but that doesn’t mean they are satisfied.
My last job allowed me to work my own hours. It provided financial stability and, after a while, required less effort on my part simply because I had progressed as an employee. The same tasks took less time for me to complete, and the ones that challenged me became less and less common. When I left the office at 4 p.m. every day, I never thought about work until I showed up the next day. Weekends? I did whatever I wanted.
After two years, I quit.
“I can’t believe you were out with that slut from your office, AGAIN!” My fictional wife, Kevin, shouts to me as I walk across the stage.
“Well why would I want to rush home to someone as pleasant as you!” I snap back to her.
JStar (my improv coach) chimes in.
“What happens next if you both already hate each other? You just say you’ll run off with your mistress and divorce your wife, who already wants that same thing? Okay, great. Scene is over in fifteen seconds. You each have goals, so everything you say needs to move you closer to that goal. If you both just hate each other and argue, no one gets any closer to achieving their goal.”
Nice one, Jim.
Empathy is a term that was almost completely foreign to me through my college years. It’s not that I was never empathetic, but I had no idea how important it was and how it can drive the behavior of those around you. My focus was entirely on my career goals, and considering how other people felt, even when they had a direct role in my career path, never occurred to me as important.
“Want to try again?” JStar asked
My wife, Kevin, sits on the “bed” curled up in a ball, eyes welling up. “You’re never home. And when you are, it’s always after 11 p.m., and I’m already in bed!”
I look in the mirror and take off my tie.
ME: Honey, I want to be here, but I have honestly been working the whole time I’m gone. I would never cheat on you.
WIFE: You obviously don’t care about me anyway. Otherwise, you’d come home earlier. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want a divorce.
ME: Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I just thought you wanted to live in the nicest apartment in New York City, overlooking the lights from our floor-to-ceiling windows. We have everything. That’s what I’ve been working for.
WIFE: I’ve only wanted you. The other stuff is nothing to me without you.
ME: Please don’t leave me.
WIFE: Please stay home for a while.
ME: Okay. I will.
We share a loving hug, and the lights fade to black.
JSTAR: Okay, guys, that was much better. Now, open up your cards, and tell us what your goals were.
ME: I wanted a hug.
KEVIN: I wanted an apology.
Kevin and I were each given a card — about halfway through the scene — that had our character’s goal for the scene on them. We didn’t get to choose them, but neither of us could know what the other person’s card said. We had to act out the rest of the scene in a way that worked toward our goals.
I wanted a hug, and my gut reaction was to argue back at my wife and defend myself. How was that ever going to lead me to a hug from Kevin? Instead of being combative, I needed to focus my attention on WHY she was so upset. I thought she cared about material things, when in reality, she only cared about me. My actions and dialogue had to shift with that knowledge.
So yeah, there’s an issue with empathy in millennials and Gen Xers. What I find amazing is how self-aware we seem to be about the importance of empathy, yet there’s not much being done to improve it. It’s not something you just choose to be better at; it’s a skill you develop through repetition, like anything else.
Who needs a hug?
