Amenorrhea by Maddie Godfrey

I have this reoccurring dream, where I am pregnant
and sometimes I am proud — baby bump, shopping for prams,
wearing a badge on the tube that says “baby on board”

and other times, I am scared.
sitting on a swing, staring at a playground,
wondering how to make sure my child
is nothing like me

When I wake, I hold my womb like a wound
And I cry
And I try to remind it
That the war is over
And it can stop fighting itself
But it doesn’t know how to be a civilian
When it was raised as a soldier;
this body a battleground
between the inside and the outside
Between my health and my mind

Amenorrhea is a long word for a long wait
Is a box of sanitary napkins displayed like a white flag
For a womb that will not surrender

And so, on the rare, random occasions that I do bleed
Even momentarily
It feels like my body is forgiving me
Like my fertility is not just
Something in a dream
Like maybe, one day,
another life could grow in me

— — — — — —
Maddie Godfrey is a pole-dancing poet from Australia, currently living in London. More of her work can be found at www.facebook.com/maddiegodfreypoet"