Falling Part III: A Date to Remember

We were sitting on the steps leading to the side door of the gym and I was complaining. Jamie had just told me that his friend Jason was going to the movies with us this weekend. I was disappointed, but not because we would have company. No, it was that the company was going to be Jason. He and I didn’t get along very well because he thought I took too much of Jamie’s time, and I thought he was a bad influence.

“Why does he have to come with us?”

“Come on Ellie, you know why.”

I groaned. “I know, but why him? Why not your brother, or your dad, or your sister? Or some homeless guy from the mission? Anyone but him.”

Jamie affectionately bumped my shoulder with his, “Because my sister has an away game and Dad is taking her, my brother has to work, and I already asked the guy that has that will work for food sign, but he said his limo is in the shop. It’s Jason or nothing. Come on, he’s not that bad.”

I said, “Whatever. But he better not bring any cigarettes. If I go home smelling like smoke, my parents will kill me.”

He chuckled and bumped my shoulder again. I scrunched my face into a stern look and faced him, intending to make a crack about abusing your friends. Instead, I got caught by his eyes and I suddenly couldn’t remember to breathe, much less speak. His gaze flicked to my lips and mine did the same and we leaned toward one another, perfectly in sync.

“Oh God, not this again. Would you guys just hook up already?”

We both came back to ourselves with a start. I shot a dirty look at the speaker and glanced back at Jamie. He held my gaze a moment before he turned and greeted his oldest friend. I looked down at the grass and started picking at it absently while they chatted.

“Jason, hey, didn’t think you were coming to school today.”

Jason shrugged and looked around at the campus crawling with half asleep teens. He spotted his pals across the street smoking and tilted his chin in greeting.

“Gotta make an appearance now and then. I’m about to take off though, wanna come?”

I felt Jamie glance at me while I glared at Jason. He said, “Ah, not today, man. I have a makeup test. I shouldn’t miss it.”

Jason shrugged again. He glanced my way and winked.

“Suit yourself. So, Friday night? Pick ya’ll up around 6?”

“Yeah man, thanks.” They did their weird bro handshake, while I mumbled a halfhearted thank you and a second later Jason was crossing the street to meet his other friends. I watched him for a few seconds until I was sure he wasn’t coming back before I spoke again.

“Bells about to ring. What do you have in 1st?” I said.

“I really do have a makeup test. Mr. Henderson told me if I missed this one, he’d fail me for the semester.”

“Asshole.”

Jamie shrugged. “He’s just pissed I missed midterms the last time I was… sick and he couldn’t fail me because I had a note.”

“Yeah, he’s still an asshole.” I glanced at him and saw a little of the sadness I knew he carried with him. It was easy to forget sometimes, because his humor and quick wit usually hid it, but now and then you could see it peek through. I bumped his shoulder this time and asked, “Wanna get high for lunch?”

He smiled and said, “Yeah! Meet you in the cafeteria?”

“Sounds good. I’m gonna go find Sage. She had something to talk to me about. See you then.”

I stood up and tossed my backpack over one shoulder. I dusted the sand off my butt, waved goodbye, then headed to find Sage.

The cafeteria was packed. I waited as long as I could before giving up on Jamie and going through to get my lunch. Just as I punched in my lunch number, I heard my name being called. I flashed a quick smile at the lunch lady and turned to find the source. Jason was standing next to a table filled with freshman and beckoning to me. I frowned and walked over to him, confused.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” I answered. “What’s up?”

He gave a half smile and said, “I have something for you.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“From Jamie.” he explained and handed me a hastily folded note on a half sheet of graph paper. I took it and frowned again.

“Why? Where is he?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, he’s alright. He just wanted me to give you this. And to tell you not to get high without him. I didn’t think you did that kind of stuff.”

“What kind of… oh, no. I don’t, it’s… it’s an inside joke.” I handed him my tray and unfolded the note. Jamie’s print was normally neat and easy to read. This was shaky and almost illegible. My lips moved silently along with the words.

E~

Sorry, but I got sick in between first and second.

Went home. Don’t worry.

~J

I looked at Jason. He looked at me and gave that half smile again.

“I called his dad; he picked him up.”

“I thought you were skipping today.”

“Nah, Turbo Bitch caught us trying to sneak off and sent us to the office. I heard some kid come and get the nurse. Went and checked on him.”

“Is he okay? Really?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He’ll call you when he feels better. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Yeah sure. Thanks.”

Jason stole a handful of fries from my tray before he handed it back and made his way out of the crowded lunchroom. I tucked the note into my pocket and trailed behind. When I stepped out of the doors into an empty hallway, I realized I wasn’t sure where to go. I wished Alice or Sage were here, but they weren’t, and I was alone. After a few seconds of indecision, I went to the football field as planned. Jamie had asked me not to get high without him, which meant he didn’t want me to climb up the spotter tower to eat like we usually did, but I could still sit beneath it and be alone with my thoughts.

Friday came, and I was headed home from school so I could get ready to meet Jamie. It was hard to keep my excitement in check. After leaving early Monday, he hadn’t come back to school till today. His absence had put into perspective how much I missed him when he was gone.

I supposed the excitement was probably because this was our first real date, but it was hard to be sure. We had been to the movies together before and hung out at each other’s houses, but this would be the first time we’d done something since the kiss, so… maybe it was? Anyway, I was pretty sure it didn’t matter too much. I was just glad we could go out at all because until he had called on Thursday night, I hadn’t thought it was going to happen.

When the phone finally rang, I had been so happy to hear his voice that I had let my curiosity get the better of me and asked him what had actually happened on Monday.

“What do you mean?” he asked. “I thought Jason told you?”

He sounded a little annoyed, and I was almost sorry I had brought it up.

“Well, yeah, but I mean… how?”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know. I guess because the doctors are messing with my medication and when some kid started showing off his new bike safety light, it just… happened.”

“In class?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.” There was a moment of heavy silence, but I still had one more question.

“Does that mean the medicine isn’t working?”

“No, it just means things are a little unstable right now. So, I have to be careful.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

He went silent. I could feel his embarrassment through the phone, and I wanted to tell him he had nothing to be embarrassed about, but I also knew I had pushed enough for the time being. Instead, I asked him what movie he wanted to see. I could hear his relief when I changed the subject, and I knew I had handled it correctly. There was plenty of time to tell him all the things I was thinking.

“Hi, may I speak to Jamie please?”

“Um, sorry. Jamie isn’t here right now.”

“Oh? Okay, could you tell-”

Click

I lifted the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a second before slowly replacing it in the cradle.

“He wasn’t there?” my mom asked.

“Uh, no. I guess not.”

“Well, I’m sure he’ll call when he can.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure he will.”

It was the Sunday night after our date. We had agreed not to talk on Saturday because both of us had had a lot of homework, so Jamie had said he would call on Sunday afternoon. When 7 pm rolled around, and I still hadn’t heard from him, I gave in and called. There had been no answer, so I waited a little longer and called back. This time someone had answered, but I hadn’t even been able to leave a message before they hung up on me. I didn’t know what to think.

It was unusual for him not to call when he said he would, and even more unusual for his family to be so… weird. We all got along, as far as I knew. My mind picked at the puzzle. I could come up with a thousand perfectly reasonable explanations of why he wasn’t home when he said he would be, but naturally I went directly to thinking maybe it was something I had done.

Was he mad at me? Had I said something that offended him and didn’t realize it. Maybe it was Jason’s fault. We hadn’t been able to be alone at all on Friday because every time we tried; he had found a new way to interrupt us. It was obvious he didn’t like us as a couple. Maybe he had finally convinced Jamie I wasn’t the right girl for him. Or maybe Jamie had gotten bored. He was a teenage boy, after all.

I went over the night as I laid sprawled on the floor in front of my open textbook. My dad had dropped me off at Jamie’s house and Jason had already been there with his date. The four of us had loaded into Jason’s old Honda Accord and sang along to David Bowie on the way into town. We agreed we wanted to see The Crow and during the previews Jamie had whispered in my ear that I looked pretty, then he had reached over and held my hand throughout the entire movie. We had shared a bucket of popcorn and he had dumped his box of Junior Mints in it, but all I could think about was the fact that I could feel his pulse race along with mine through the connection of our hands.

On the ride home, he had put his arm around me, and I had leaned my head on his shoulder. When Jason dropped us off, my ride was already there, so instead of a proper goodnight kiss, we ended the evening with a whispered promise of next time being different, stifled laughter at the stern look my dad was casting our way, and a hug that was far too short. Maybe that was the reason he wasn’t taking my calls. Maybe he was scared of my dad.

Or maybe it was something else.

I slipped my headphones back over my ears and turned the volume up. Lovefool by The Cardigans came on, and I tried to relax into the melody. Eventually, I finished my homework and I could go to bed. I kissed my parent’s goodnight and made my way to my bedroom. As soon as I laid down, I plummeted into a troubled sleep plagued by dark and confusing dreams.

My head was pounding by the time I made it to campus the next morning. Large flocks of seagulls mixed with ravens had circled around my dreams, and their raucous calls had left their mark. I felt nauseous and dizzy and like my skin was too tight, but I had still gotten there early, hoping to have time to talk to Jamie. When I saw his bus pull up, I walked over to meet him, ready to be angry as soon as I saw he was safe. I watched every person step off, but he wasn’t there. Neither was his sister. Or Jason.

Now I was worried. He wouldn’t have just disappeared like this unless there was something wrong. Maybe his dad had gotten sick, or his brother had wrecked the car or… The bell rang and interrupted my spiraling thoughts. I took one last look around, then slowly made my way to class. I was so lost in my confusion; I didn’t notice the red-eyed glances or curious whispers that followed me all the way to my classroom.

I was trying to concentrate on cosigns when the intercom speaker crackled overhead.

“Mr. Able?”

“Yes?”

“Can you send Ellie Tuttle to the office, please?”

All eyes turned towards me, and I frowned.

“Yes, she’ll be right there.”

The intercom clicked off, and I stood to get the hall pass. Mr. Able handed it to me and gave a tired sigh.

“Take your time.” He said.

I nodded automatically and made my way to the office, confused, and a little afraid of what I might find there. As I approached the office door, I glimpsed a familiar profile through the narrow slat of a window. Bushy hair, bushier beard, and a stained white T-shirt under a flannel coat. My dad.

I stopped just outside the door, too scared to open it because, suddenly, I was reminded of my grim dreams from the night before. The same ominous feeling that had filled me in the early morning hours filled me again as I remembered waiting for Jamie to step off his bus this morning but never seeing him.

Abruptly, the curtains parted, and I had a terrifying moment of clarity. I tried to draw a breath, but I gagged on all the words I had foolishly left unspoken and the regret of unfulfilled promises.

My dad turned and met my eyes through the glass. I struggled to keep from vomiting as he stepped through the door to meet me.

“Hey punkin.”

I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of what would come out.

“Hey Daddy. What’re you doing here?”

Before he answered, he reached out and pulled me to him. I let him. I took deep breaths and concentrated on the vibration of his chest beneath my ear. Some small part of me marveled at the great care and compassion he used as he removed my young heart, placed it on the floor, and ground it beneath his heel.

Jamie and Jason had gone into the woods yesterday morning, he told me. They had been goofing off. Jamie had seen something stuck in the branches of a tree — my dad wasn’t clear what it had been — and wanted to get it down. The seizure had hit at exactly the wrong moment. The paramedics had gotten him to the hospital, and the surgeons had tried everything but…

With my ear pressed against him, I could hear his own heart break as he told me the thing I had known on some level since the night before.

Jamie was dead.

I heard the words. I even understood them, but they meant nothing. Later maybe, but not now. For long minutes, he stood there holding me as I tried to feel something.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked.

I thought about it for a moment, but shook my head. I knew I probably wouldn’t make it through the full day, but I couldn’t leave now.

Now, I needed to remember. Remember his self-satisfied laughter when I called him an asshole. Remember the strangely fearful look in his eyes as he dared me to kiss him compared to the confident way he had grasped my hand just a few days later. I needed to remember his passionate but off-key rendition of Ziggy Stardust as we sang along to it in the backseat of a beat-up Honda Accord. That was what I had to do.

My dad held me a moment longer and told me how sorry he was. I nodded, thanked him, and watched him leave. Slowly, I headed back to class. On my way, I noticed the fall calendar on the bulletin board.

All the days up to today had large red X’s drawn through them, and all the dates to remember had special symbols decorating their boxes along with the name of the event. ‘School Dance’ had a music note, ‘Pep Rally’ had pom-poms, and ‘Homecoming Game’ had a football. Today there was nothing. I stood staring for a minute, then pulled a pen out of my pocket.

I bit my lip and carefully drew a teardrop in today’s square and, with half sob, printed his name inside. I wanted everyone to know. This was a date to remember.