Decisions
Panic. It starts slowly. A zip of electricity running down a certain neural pathway. A zing and a buzz racing along another. A quiver of a muscle and a hitch of a breath. A random thought flitting haphazardly from one side of my mind to the other, igniting small fires in each crevice along the way.
Panic. No matter the start, it skips, it hops, it trots, and then it finally runs screaming with glee from the tip of my scalp to the tender soles of my feet. It makes sure to touch every part of me intimately. It brushes my face as a lover would. Its fierce flames make my cheeks ignite with an inferno that will be satisfied with nothing short of total consumption.
Panic. It lays its icy palm on the back of my neck; an apology for the firestorm it has caused. Searing shudders cause muscles to tense and I shake. It finds my thudding heart and, without hesitation, grasps it with malicious intent. I feel the glacial heat course through my veins and the bonfire that was once consuming only my brain sprints to reach every part of my body as emaciated fingers dig into the tender tissue.
Panic. The roar of the blaze has rendered me animalistic. I am deaf, dumb, and blind from the numbing pain. I need you to speak, but only hear the buzz of a hundred bees stinging my skin. I need you to touch me, but I only feel the lightning strike and smell the smoldering flesh melting from my bones from your pseudo concern. I need you to understand, but I only hear your mocking sneer and see your blistering doubt.
I am twisting and turning and burning with this pain, and I don’t know what to do with it, so I do what I always do.
I wait for you.
Megan chewed her lip as she read over her words one last time before saving the document and sitting back in her seat. She let out a breath and cracked her neck. Now that she had written it down she felt better. Calmer. Saner. She smiled grimly at the thought. No, never fully sane but closer than she was an hour ago. She glanced across the room at Rick. He was sprawled on the couch watching some mindless drabble on TV. She considered him thoughtfully. This was the first time she had ever put words on paper to the things she felt while in the midst of a panic attack. Maybe this would help him finally get it.
He always blew her off when she tried to explain it to him, almost as if he didn’t believe it happened. He didn’t seem to understand. Maybe she should let him read it? He hadn’t expressed an interest before but she needed support and if she couldn’t count on her boyfriend, then who could she count on? It was so overwhelming at times…
“Hey babe?”
“Yeah?” He didn’t even look up from the TV.
“You wanna read something for me?”
“What, for school or something?”
She chewed her lip again before she answered, the times he had disregarded her before running through her mind. This might not be the best idea. But she really needed him to understand. She had to make him understand. “No. Like a peek into my brain. How it works sorta.”
Rick sighed quietly and looked over at her, “How long is it?”
Megan shrugged self-consciously, wishing she hadn’t said anything. “Just a few paragraphs. You don’t have to read it, it’s not really important or anything.”
He rolled his eyes and she prepared herself for disappointment but was surprised when he stood up and walked the few feet to where she sat at her desk. This could be good.
“Sure, let’s see it.”
She hesitated, unsure, for just a few seconds before standing and offering her chair, “Here, it’s already pulled up.”
He perched on the edge of the seat, gave her the barest of glances, and began reading. Megan paced over to the couch and flopped into her favorite spot trying not to think about how much she had just revealed of herself to her boyfriend.
The minutes ticked by slowly and with each sweep of the second hand her anxiety grew. That cold empty feeling in the pit of her stomach began to develop and her mind kept coming up with scenarios of rejection, one after another, until it was just a swirl of anger and disappointment. What if he still didn’t get it? What if she had to explain? What if he laughed? Or, perhaps worst of all, what if he still didn’t care?
She was fully immersed in her insecurities when he popped up from the chair and came back to his spot on the couch. She nervously searched his face for some reaction. He glanced at her and gave her that half smile that he seemed to save especially for her. She took it as a good sign and relaxed slightly as she waited for his response. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea after all. He didn’t seem bothered.
Rick draped his arm across the back of the couch and beckoned her to snuggle to his side. She smiled with relief and scooted close, resting her head on his chest and breathing in his warm scent. When he spoke she felt his voice bubble up from deep in his chest.
“I always thought you were crazy. Now I know it.” He chuckled and tucked her closer to him as he turned his attention back to the television. Megan blinked several times. Took a calming breath. Started counting to ten.
One. Two. Three. She opened her mouth to say something, thought better of it, continued counting.
Four. Five. Just like all the books say because it would be better if the first thing she said wasn’t spoken at a volume used to crack glass.
Six. Seven. Eight. Okay, getting better.
Nine. Ten. Very deliberately she sat up and moved away from him.
“Where’re you going?”
She grabbed the remote and clicked off the TV.
“Hey! I was watching that. What’re you doing?” He made a play for the remote but she stood up and held it out of his reach.
“What did you say?”
“What the hell Megan? What do you mean what did I say? It was a joke for God’s sake.”
“It really didn’t sound like it Rick.”
“Oh come on, you know I don’t think you’re crazy. I was kidding.”
“Do me a favor and don’t kid about this.”
“Fine, what do you want me to say? It was good? Yes, it was good. I just don’t get why you had me read it.”
Megan pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers. Why had she started this? How was she supposed to explain such a complicated web of feelings to him?
“I wanted you to read it so you could have some idea of what it’s like for me when I have… an episode.”
Rick looked uncomfortable and glanced longingly at the remote Megan still held hostage. He was clearly out of his depth here and was unsure how to proceed. After realizing there was no hope of him getting back to his show in the near future he glanced at his girlfriend and rolled his eyes again.
“What am I supposed to tell you? That I get it? That I understand? Okay, I get it. You get worried about stuff. You get sad. So. Does. Everyone. Now can I watch my show please?”
He raised his eyebrows and held out his hand, waiting. Megan looked at him, incredulous. This is what he thought? That she was just a little sad, a little worried sometimes? The same as everyone else? Didn’t he understand when she told him she was terrified, she couldn’t breathe, that she thought she was having a heart attack or that she was scared that she was literally about to die? Didn’t he see her take medication every morning and every night just so she could get through the day? Didn’t he see her go to the shrink and the support groups every week? What, was he stupid? Her voice was hard when she spoke.
“Do you ever actually listen to anything I say or do you just assume it isn’t important before I start talking?”
Rick, in a fit of irritation, blurted the first thing he could think of, “You’re always so damn dramatic. God! Of course I listen to you. I just don’t understand why you can’t be happy. Whistle or something. Sing, look up funny cat videos on YouTube. Whatever. Just get over it already.”
Megan recoiled like she had been slapped. Her eyes burned and she fought to keep the tears from falling. She didn’t want Rick to think he had hurt her feelings — he had but that wasn’t what made her want to cry. She was angry. Angrier than she had been in a long time. She could feel the adrenaline being released into her system. Her poor overworked heart increased its pounding, her breathing accelerated and her palms dampened. She had to move. She paced from one end of the small living room to the other, her vision raking harshly over every object within sight as she fought to control her body. She felt like she might suddenly combust.
Megan could feel Rick’s eyes following her as she strode back and forth across the small room but she didn’t care. She was agitated and she wasn’t sure exactly how this was going to work out. She couldn’t comprehend how this man who mowed his elderly neighbor’s lawn after her husband had died, who saved small kittens from storm drains, who held her so tenderly after they made love, just could not get it through his head that she was suffering. That half of her life was spent in abject terror of her own body. He just couldn’t — or wouldn’t — understand. And she couldn’t make him.
The realization brought her up short and she stopped pacing to stare at him with the beginnings of comprehension. He looked uncomfortable, wary, and maybe a little contrite.
“Look, baby, listen. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ha…”
Megan cut him off as her temper flared again. “Don’t you dare apologize to me right now Rick! You have no idea what it’s like. None! Do you think I like being so ‘dramatic’? Do you think I like having to leave parties, or movies, or to not be able to go in the first place? Do you think I like taking pills every day? Because I don’t! I hate it! And all I want from you is a little understanding. Some support. Not for you to tell me I’m crazy!”
She stood in front of him now, hands held open to her sides and face twisted as she tried unsuccessfully to hold her tears back. They slowly slid down her cheeks as she waited for some sort of redeeming remark from her boyfriend.
Megan watched his face as he deliberated with himself. She could see him trying to make a decision but that he was having a hard time. After what felt like hours, she could see there wasn’t going to be a resolution today. It was too much for him right now. Guilt-tinged sadness tugged at her heart and she pushed it away. There was nothing to feel guilty for. She had needs, and if he wasn’t meeting them then — well she was within her rights to try and make him appreciate what she was going through.
Emotional exhaustion replaced her anger and she wiped wearily at the tears that were still flowing. She walked to her desk to rummage through the top drawer. Finding the small square paper, she turned to face him.
“This isn’t working right now. I think you should go home. I’ll be at this address at 7 on Thursday. It’s for family and friends too so, if you want to try and work this out, meet me there. If not… well then I guess I’ll see ya’.”
She held out the card for the local chapter of the ADAA for him to take. He eyed it for a few moments. He stood up and expelled an agitated breath while reaching to take the card.
“Yeah, sure. I guess I’ll see ya’.”
She watched him snatch his jacket from the hook and shove his feet into his sneakers. He snagged his keys off the side table and was gone.
Megan waited until the door latched behind him before she let the tears stain her cheeks once more.
Authors Note: If you, or a loved one, find yourself in a similar situation as this, or something more serious, please consider using or sharing some of these resources.
United States
- US National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1–800–950-NAMI — nationwide network and search function for support and education; https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/NAMI-HelpLine/Top-HelpLine-Resources
- US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273-TALK (1–800–273–8255) or 988 — Languages: English, Spanish; https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (Deaf & Hard of Hearing Options): 1–800–799–4889
Germany
- Germany Open Counseling: — free resources and telephone counseling hotlines in Germany; https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-de
- Suicide Hotline: 08001810771
International Helpline Berlin
- (English):030–44 01 06 07
- (Russian):030–44 01 06 06
United Kingdom
- UK Mental Health Pipeline: list of UK-based helplines, mental health charities, support groups and organizations that can offer expert advice when needing mental health help https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
- UK Saneline: 0300 304 7000 — Emotional support, information, and guidance for people affected by mental illness, their families, and carers. (daily, 4:30 pm to 10:30 pm); http://www.sane.org.uk/support
- Suicide Hotline: 08457909090
You are not alone — KEW
