Judgment Turned Inward Becomes Outward
Judgment Turned Inward becomes Outward
Judgment is a funny thing. But, when it arises, it is possible to see it as a gift, showing us our wounds that still need healing. I know this because I have spent a great deal of my life, wounded. My judgments are especially triggered when they originate from my inner child’s unintegrated stuff, and they are exasperated by my family when they reflect, and confirm, my fears about not being good enough. This is why our families are such good teachers.
I never realized how wounded I have been. I have been scared and frightened because, even though I did not know it, it is impossible to outwardly control the way people see me. And how I think others see me is always, without exception, a reflection of how I feel about myself. What that means is that everyone around me feels what I feel about myself, and they consistently reflect that back to me. When I feel crappy about myself, everyone around me feels that and they feel crappy about me, and crappy being around me.
So, I am constantly creating what I appear to be based on the level that I understand who I actually am, and how I understand how the field of attraction that I am creating, works. There is no blaming my outer circumstances because I alone am creating all of my experiences. Blaming others is futile because the negative reflections merely reflect my own negative feelings about myself.
I am learning that it is only when I have exhausted all efforts to manipulate and control my outer circumstances, to make myself feel okay, that my judgments start to make sense to me — they point me towards my own self-judgment. I believe that, when we can see how this pattern/habit works, then we may begin to heal ourselves.
Admittedly I have been a judgmental person my whole life. I did not feel that I was better than anyone, though. My judgments stemmed from a lack of self-worth and lack of self-esteem.
I believe that those around me have felt my judgment too. I can even see how my judgments have shaped them somewhat and contributed to their lack of self-worth as well.
I have always strived towards perfection. But love and respect do not come from outward appearances. It comes from our soul — from connectivity, compassion, acceptance, and the ability to see through someone’s outward appearances — to see through their external pain, and through their projections to the beautiful soul that lies within.
We all have this beauty that is within us, beyond our feelings of not being good enough. The more we love ourselves, the more we may begin to see this beauty in ourselves and others.
What if we were to become more interested in every person’s soul instead of their outward projections? What if we were able to see hurts through the lens of compassion instead of judgment? That is an interesting concept. But it is not possible to see like this until we can see ourselves with compassion first.
When the student is ready the teachers begin to make sense. I saw this, this past weekend as twenty-five of my family members gathered under one roof to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. I saw lots of defense mechanisms at play. But more than that I saw why they feel insecure. I understood that we kind of act out to protect our feelings of vulnerability, and our feelings of not being good enough. We seem to do the opposite of what we need to do in order to be embraced, and feel like we belong.
In the past when I was around my family, I did not feel so good about myself, and I did not feel so good about them either. But this time, no matter what they did, I saw their beauty. It was transformative. And it was easy! I saw them through a different lens. I saw them through the lens of accountability. I am beginning to realize that I must always be accountable for my own feelings. No one is hurting me. I am always choosing to be hurt from this place of wounded-ness that has yet to be healed.
It is true, we should not judge a book by the cover. What is inside the cover is the truth about who we are, and we all wear masks. Some of us have thicker masks than others. Thinking we are above others, indicates that our masks are thicker. The thicker our masks covering our authentic selves, the more judgmental we are. This does not mean that we should berate ourselves for being judgmental, though. It means we too need even more compassion for ourselves because of our lack of self-love. It is a tricky business. Judgment turned inward becomes outward. So, there is no room for any judgment, if we wish to healthy.
It has been a long time since I have been around so many family members. I felt immense joy and gratitude for being blessed with this big family, this time. I did not trigger anyone, and they did not trigger me. And I received the love and respect I have always yearned for. And if I can begin to heal around this, believe me, anyone can.
