Waking Up to the ‘C’ Word — Consciousness
Here I am at the computer, carving out a few moments to do what I love but haven’t done enough of lately, which is to write. And, I do LOVE writing. However, I have never been paid for anything I have written (I feel like I just took my first step — admitting that I have a problem with the whole ‘financial-energy-exchange’ thing around my art.
Because I have not been paid for anything I have written, I feel like writing is more of a luxury (a hobby) for me. I get to ‘play’ at being a writer. We should be taught in Elementary School that writing is a never frivolous — writing is a necessary and powerful tool that we can all use to help us live our best, most-healthiest, and authentic lives.
I’ve always felt slightly guilty about taking the time to be creative, and maybe even a little fraudulent, because I feel like I take precious time, that may be better spent on doing more ‘important’ things, like being a grandmother (don’t even get me started on how we do not value the creativity of our elders), housework, and yard work (I am embarrassed to admit these things here, but, unfortunately, it is true — and maybe I am not alone?).
When someone asks me what, or why, I paint and write, I embarrassingly avert eye contact with them, downplaying the mental and emotional significance of my creativity, while mumbling something silly about just ‘playing around’, under my breath. I actually feel sheepish, stupid, and kind of lazy, when I am asked about what I do because I have not, to date, made any real money from my creative efforts, therefore, unconsciously, my art has become something I feel a little foolish around (I think this is, at the very least, partially due to what qualities we are taught to value, by society, as children).
This whole way of thinking around the monetary value of creativity gets my gonch all up in a knot. But then I remember: I am actually the one who has perpetuated my shitty story around money — a story which is: ‘I have to receive money for my art, in order for my art to have value, and in order to consider myself to be a ‘real’ artist. Which is fine. It actually makes a little sense to me. But the part that trips me up is that I may never get enough courage to risk asking to be paid for something I have created. How can I ask for what I deserve, when, intrinsically, I do not value my own creativity?
Sometimes I think I would rather die than confront the embarrassment, and the potential humiliation, of having someone laugh at what I think I am worth (and…to add insult to injury, I have experienced just that, which sure doesn’t help). That’s it…it is not really about whether the art is good enough, or not good enough, for that matter, it’s all about me not feeling good enough as a human being.
Writing, painting, pondering, seeking, and being a bit of a science and philosophy geek, are in my blood. I cannot help it. To boot, I am a day-dreamer. I naively think my ideas may actually benefit our planet (I really do). I see how I have grown through writing, painting and pondering. I even believe that my writing, itself, is maturing. In other words, instead of paying for years of therapy to deal with my human-condition — my emotional baggage (and I am not knocking therapy — do what works for you), I am using my creativity to heal these underlying unconscious and limiting beliefs.
The biggest epiphany that I have received from my creative practice is this: I am becoming increasingly bored with my old shitty stories.
All my life I have been insecure, scared, felt inadequate, and I have been a ridiculously ‘sensitive’ person. I have felt like the ball in a pinball machine. I have felt rejected, spit out, pushed-out, abandoned, not liked, and embarrassed, over and over again…ding-ding-ding. But, by writing and painting out the dark corners of my mind and heart, I am coming to see that I alone have created these feelings by choosing to write and play out these unconsciously written stories, which usually do not benefit me or anyone else.
I now declare myself ready to begin to consciously write new stories — stories in which I am not a victim, and am better able to see and comprehend the reason for the pain I have suffered — the pain I have been blaming on others –which really had nothing to do with them, at all. I have written every story because, consciously, or unconsciously, I have chosen to believe in them — I have seen myself as more of a bystander in my life, rather than the conscious engineer of all of my experiences — which is really what we all are.
I know for some this concept might seem a little crazy, and may even be too much to swallow, for you. You may want to reject it, and/or reject me, and that is perfectly okay if you do. God knows I have rejected lots of people for the same reason — for holding me accountable for how my life has shown up. I have rebelled, cried, kicked and screamed at anyone who might suggest that I had ANYTHING to do with the drama, trauma, and, especially, the abuse, that I have experienced in my life.
I am coming to understand that all that we are, and all that we experience, are merely reflections of the state of our own conscious mind. If we dig a little deeper we will always find that there is nothing more than the thoughts and actions we have chosen. In the past, recognizing that we are always choosing our experiences, would have depressed me, and probably even angered me, but now it actually excites me to look at this piece, and it gives me tremendous hope for a better future and here is why:
1. If I am responsible for creating what I do not like, then I also have the freedom to create what I do like.
2. This way of thinking is an invitation for me to continue to work on ‘consciously’ getting to know myself.
3. I have control over how I interpret my experiences.
4. I can change my experiences, merely by choosing to see them from a different angle.
5. I can change my perception, my story, and the way I believe others see me, merely by choosing to see things in a better light.
6. I am always the author, scripting my life.
7. By not being a victim, I empower myself.
8. I can make my unconscious thoughts, conscious, allowing them to serve my growth rather than continuing to unconsciously sabotage all of my experiences with the limited beliefs that I am not even aware that I have.
9. I can choose to do the work around some of the limiting beliefs that I am still holding as true — specifically around money and integrity, potentially bringing more abundance to my life, and to those around me.
10. My triggers have the potential to become my wisest council by being aware that I have choices in every situation, instead of feeling like I am forever trapped in a disappointing life that I cannot do anything about.
11. I can live my most abundant and beautiful life IF I choose to be the author of my stories, rather than the victim of them.
12. Abundance always begins with a choice.
