Feel the #Burn — The Premier League’s newest unlikely heroes.

Move over Leicester City, there’s a new underdog story in town, and their name is Burnley.

News in the Premier League moves so fast that I have to push this out quickly before their fortunes change, but for now my spirits are high and I’m feeling good about this plucky group of what’s that? Their top striker is a homophobe?

Fuck.

Well, look, I’ve already started this article and got all these nice pictures of him. Let’s just do what we as a footballing community do best and ignore these lingering issues, and instead focus on the game. Or as Gary Lineaker says, “We all get caught up in the heat of the moment.”

Andre Grey, hero of the Liverpool game. Inspiration to millions.

Andre Grey was the top scorer of the Championship last year, and was instrumental in propelling Burnley to the top-flight football they now enjoy today.

Kudos for giving Burnley a shoutout in the hashtag #burn

Uhhhhh. Last Saturday, as Grey and the rest of the Burnley boys repelled wave after wave of Liverpool attack, Grey took one of their very few opportunities and competently slotted the ball past Mignolet for the second goal of a very surprising 2–0 win.

What?

So…. um… Burnley had the lowest possession of any side in the Premier League to win a game. Quite a startling achievement. A shock for Liverpool, no doubt, who were riding high after last weeks 7 goal thriller at the Emirates.

Look I’ll be honest, I can’t stand by and ignore this. I miss Jamie Vardy. Remember when a star striker could just yell at a Japanese man in a casino and we could all laugh it off? Can’t we go back to those days? Remember when J.V tweeted “Loving life, getting paid and getting laid”? How harmless! How lovely! Simpler times!

Well, step forward Joey Barton, just the kind of no-nonsense advocate you need. He’s football’s equivalent of a John Grisham character. He’s been around, he’s been through the media mill. He knows how to weather the storm. An unlikely ally for Grey. He rides in like Aragorn in the Two Towers and kicks down the door:

Does Joey Barton know what 100% means?

Barton then went on to detail in further tweets how it doesn’t matter that he thinks the way he does, Andre Grey is good at THE FOOTAY and that’s all that matters. With charges from the FA looming, Andre Grey would do well to take this olive branch of peace. Take Joey Barton’s hand, Andre! Take it!

Still, at least he’s apologised (sort of), in the form of “I’m sorry I said all those things, but I never thought I’d be famous.”

Look, I never imagined as a public figure that I’d have my very public statements scrutinised.

And thus the cycle of a Premier League players rise and fall from grace is completed, in record time! Next week, join us as John Stones calls a fire engine a “Stupid Red Immigrant Bastard” and then immediately tweets a three-page apology and completes a two month sensitivity course all in one day!