A brief guide to zoom calls with immigrant parents.

Lockdown has created some very base level connections on a global scale, well basically one, we all have to stay inside. However, there are lots of factors which make our experiences slightly different from our neighbours: money, relationships, family set up, types of work, health and then those of us who have to try and teach our first generation immigrant fathers how to use zoom.

My brothers and sisters who have parents from a geographically loud location I know you will identify with me. All those whose mamas and papas hail from the likes of Nigeria, Egypt, India, Syria, Morocco, Italy (and the list goes on) all know that there is something in the genetic makeup of our loved ones which means they simply cannot talk on the phone without screaming. You then add zoom into the mix and you have yourself a sensory overload of chaos.

Pre lockdown no one ever phoned each other, let alone video called! We have gone from a race that would sit patiently waiting for the blue ticks to appear on Whatsapp (or as my dad calls it Whatsup) to suddenly having the confidence to video call everyone!?

So, now we are all locked in our houses and many of us are locked in with our immigrant parents and their daily scheduled video calls with family back home. Ninety percent of my lockdown so far has been trying to educate my dad on the etiquette of video chats. Below is the list of rules I have laid out for him, and I hope it will help all my fellow second generation immigrants in teaching their folks the art of conversational Facetime.

1. Others can see you. Please for the love of god put some trousers on and don’t bend over in front of your phone, laptop or tablet.
2. All tablets, laptops and smartphones have a microphone. This means you don’t need to scream. If birds are fleeing the trees outside your house, or blood is running out of one nostril it means you are yelling way too loud.
3. TURN YOUR TV OFF!!!! Please don’t add yourself to a zoom call and not turn the TV off. I know it is essential to have Al Jazeera playing 24/7 but no one can hear you over the bellowing news reports.
4. Face time means face, not a close up of your eyebrows. Please move back from your device.
5. It’s a conversation not a dramatic monologue worthy of several Oscars (hahaha joke! You ain’t ever getting an Oscar, you ain’t white). Your sister, brother, cousin etc on the other side of your zoom chat might have some offerings to your thoughts….LISTEN and don’t shout over each other!
6. Try different topics outside the topic of death. It’s somewhat draining to hear a conversation which focuses on: who’s died, who you think will die and who you wish would die. It’s depressing and might not make you or your family feel better during lockdown.
7. Press the unmute button. It doesn’t matter how much you curse and yell, that will not unmute you. The device is not broken and their is no conspiracy against you.
8. Spotlight means the person who is talking is highlighted. If your niece is talking about her job and you decide to then mutter to yourself, open a packet of biscuits or yell at a member of your household to bring you tea…you will be highlighted.

After you suggest the above to your parents, know that you and every other child of immigrant parents is also being completely ignored. We are all united as we sit on our sofas, trying desperately to hear ourselves think, as our dad (in his pants) screams into his zoom call ignoring all other callers……it’s why we love him.