How Not to Introduce Your S.O. to Your Zimbabwean Parents
First, do not refer to them as your significant other. That term is meaningless and will lead to wild confusion. Are you talking about your friend, your roommate or your dog? You want to be crystal clear as you have this conversation. If you give them an opportunity to derail it, they will. Use suggestive terms like special friend, making sure to flutter your eyebrows up and down so that there is zero ambiguity.
You must be older than the tender age of 23, otherwise do not even contemplate mentioning them, unless you want to be dramatically banned from ever seeing them again. You might scoff at the idea, puffing out your chest to announce your rise to adulthood. The time when parents could obstruct, brick wall or shut the door on your desires is over, surely. You made it to America, crafted a life, whose shape they cannot even begin to imagine. Its contours are sharp, decisive, determined. But so are they. Their skills have matured over time, like milk left to ferment into the sourness of yoghurt. They have shifted from the realm of the physical to the emotional because that transmits better through the choked static of WhatsApp.
They will ask if this is what they raised you for, gallivanting around with strange people in strange lands. They will lament the corrupting influence of traveling abroad, likening you to the sons and daughters of African politicians who travel to Dubai, Johannesburg and London to smoke, drink and party only to return with their out-turned pockets, eyes red from the smoke of illicit agents and momentarily sorrowful. You are baffled at their accusations, tempted to explain that you work nine to nine, with very little time to reflect on your existence, let alone party.
Resist the urge to dispute their outburst because remember what I said about derailing. Re-center them in smooth but persistent tones of reason. For example, reminisce about how you have always been inspired by your parent’s arduous partnership and ascent to greatness. Whisper that you can only hope to aspire to their understanding of each other, to the family tree they have built so spectacularly. But stay away from comparing your SO to your parents, they will not respond well to being likened to someone half their age — or a quarter (yelp) — and with unverified potential.
Never tell them that you are spending the holidays with your SO or even worse, with your SO’s parents. Easter, Christmas and Birthdays are all off limits. You are only allowed to salivate over your own mother’s browned, tender roasted chicken thighs. Dinner is not only dinner when a partner is involved, it is a move to integrate, to adopt and your parents will be damned if they lose their child to some fictitious strangers that they have never met. You came out of their womb, dammit. You belong with them until they choose to cut the umbilical cord.
