Ten Things I Wish I Would Have Told My Eastern European In-Laws Before They Visited America

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I love my Bosnian in-laws. They survived a war. They’re tough, stoic and throw a mean stream of profanity. But there are a few things I should have told them before they came to America to make their visit more comfortable for all, and to avoid their detention by US law enforcement.

1. Don’t smoke on the plane. It’s prohibited.
2. When you ignore number 1, and exit the plane’s bathroom in a cloud full of smoke and the Czech airlines flight attendant starts yelling at you with words you don’t understand, do not point at your wife and shrug your shoulders.
3. Do not bring home-cured meat on the plane. Or home brew. I know you meant well, but busting you out of Customs really did take an act of God.
4. Do not turn my tiny car into a lung coffin by closing all the windows while you smoke. You’re in America and the draft won’t kill you here.
5. Do not let our neighbor see you as you kick back your morning “wellness” shot while babysitting because she will call Child Protective Services.
6. Do not pick up the phone while I’m at work because the person leaving a voicemail “sounded like” me in a language you do not understand. Of course they did. They were trying to steal my identity.
7. Do not bring a seat cushion when we go to the park because our benches are made of wood and won’t freeze your ovaries like the evil concrete ones back home.
8. Do use the dryer. It’s not an evil contraption devised to shrink your clothes, or at least most of the time it’s not.
9. Do wear deodorant. And while we’re on the topic of odor, do wash those slippers you wear around the house 24/7.
10. Ignore everything your grandmother told you and go outside with wet hair. This is America and it won’t kill you.