What immigrant parents really mean when they say…

A standard dictionary. There are millions in existence. Unfortunately, there is not a single one that can accurately explain the things immigrant parents say.

“Tell me the truth, I won’t get mad” = This is a blatant lie. They are already mad, they’re just trying to get you to tie your own noose while they watch. Every immigrant parent is a master in the art of entrapment. This is arguably the first and most common lie they will tell over the course of your life.

“Maybe” = No.

“I’ll think about it” = See “Maybe”

“God willing/Inshallah” = One of the favourite ways for a Muslim parent to tell their child no, without explicitly saying no. The desi equivalent of letting you down gently. Essentially, they are saying that the only way you will get what you are asking for is if God himself ordains it to happen through some miracle that I cannot foresee. Alternatively, see “I’ll think about it.”

“It’s possible” = It’s possible in the same way that you somehow becoming the top of your class is possible.

“Come here, it’s important!” = I’m going to ask you to hand me the remote or a glass of water. Likely both.

“We need to talk” = You’re about to get interrogated.

“This won’t take long” = This will take anywhere from 45 to 95 minutes.

“One last thing” = This is like, the fourth last thing.

“Good job.” = I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, A PARENT LIVES FOR THESE MOMENTS, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. (Disclaimer: This phrase is seldom heard, and typically heard once in a lifetime. Many go their entire lives without hearing it. If you hear this phrase, put it on your resume. There is no higher honour.)

“Your choices are…” = You do not have a choice. You will go down one of these following routes I have laid out for you. I am giving you the illusion of choice.

“What is this?” = Get whatever this is out of my face before I throw a chappal at yours.

“Say that again” = SAY THAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERF**KER, SAY THAT ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

“Answer me!” = Do NOT answer me, this is bait. If you say something you’re only adding fuel to the fire that is my anger for you.

“I’m going to say this once” = Get used to hearing this for the rest of your life.