What happens when a Christian theologian discovers that God is dead?
A former Christian discovers life’s purpose without God.
Holy shit.
While at Margit park in Budapest amongst a field of dandelions and daisies, my neurons were set alight while reading the following line:
“You were born to judge the thinking of others. Embrace it.”
Ok, granted, it’s from a section on Quora about INTP wisdom. Not exactly Aristotle, Jesus or Buddha.
Yet from this simple source, everything has changed.
But first, a little background to set the stage.
A Life Devoted to Christ
When I was 17, I discovered my life’s purpose: the pursuit and proclamation of Truth. I believed at the cost of my life that an all-powerful, loving and just supreme deity had revealed himself to man though the prophets, and most clearly, the person of Jesus Christ. I devoted every ounce of energy and minute of time to understanding and teaching this truth. The opinions of others were moot; money truly had no influence. Truth was intrinsically priceless. My life was sacrifice. If you had asked me why, I would tell you there was no greater calling for a smart, gifted, devoted disciple of Christ than to go to seminary to help the Church rightly know their God, and in doing so, their purpose in life. It was a truly noble calling that I believed with all my heart and mind.
For the next 8 years, I pursued nothing else. Not out of pride or status or wealth, but authentic conviction. Christianity was true! Jesus really was God incarnate come to save all those believing. The universe was not an accident! It all had intrinsic and extrinsic value! Conviction. Justice. Truth. When you believe, truly, unabashedly, believe in a cause or truth, conviction fuels your work. Nothing else matters. This was my life, and nothing could pull me away from it.
For 10+ hours every day for a decade and a half, I read nothing but the Bible, theological works, commentaries, exegetical papers, transcribed sermons from leading teacher-pastors (not a fan of audio books or podcasts in general), and every academic and (some) practical Christian books I could find. I read at a very fast pace and can devour 20+ books per month, so I covered a lot of ground. (I even wrote a few Christian book reviews during my ‘soon-to-be-rebellious’ period that went viral!) So yeah, you could say I was pretty awesome.
I burned with passion for uncovering and disseminating the truth. Every time a local pastor exposited a verse incorrectly or extrapolated well beyond the authorial intent (what the original author meant to say) of the text, I would furiously scratch scathing comments into my notebook. My pen raced with the heat of the seven hells as it condemned this simpleton for his heinous crime of misinterpreting the Word of God. How could people be so careless and reckless with cosmic truth?!?
That was it: being a neurosurgeon or journalist (the other options I almost pursued. Gah!) would never satiate my intellectual furor. It was all or nothing if I didn’t want to waste my life. It meant it was time to devote my life to sharing the truth of Christianity. I entered seminary and spent the next 4 years in deep, focused study. And I loved every minute of it. My life had a purpose beyond myself. I went on to study under the pastors at my local church, teaching a small group every week in pursuit of being a seminary professor. I had never felt so alive, driven, and happy.
And yet, here we are, 8 years after graduating seminary at the top of my class. A former Christian and unrepentant sinner. My expedition for truth did not lead me to where I had imagined. Instead of towards Christ, I was led by “the Truth” to a promised land with no churches, no theology, no people, no God. 15 years of unbridled passion to discover that “the truth” could never be found in the pages I perused. Neither Paul, John nor Jesus held the answers I sought. At least, not in the way I had imagined them to be.
The Collapse of Christianity
But what happens after you believe? Where do you turn when God dies? When the only truth is what we create? When facts are data, not doctrine? When Jesus was truly a man, but only just so? For when every man must believe in a religion of his own making, conviction withers.
We are too fickle a creature to trust in ourselves the way we can trust in a being wholly other than ourselves. The collapse of Christianity is the collapse of conviction. What now do you believe when all is stripped away? What truth must be told? What doctrine needs believers? What happens when your entire worldview and every presupposition comes crumbling down? Your life’s work vaporized by one simple realization: God is dead.
When I abandoned my belief system, I attempted to fill the void with work, sex, love, power, prestige, status. When God died, I sought another extrinsic purpose yet found none. A mission to accept. A movement to join. A truth to uncover. Yet none came. When one goal was reached, another filled its place. Like upgrading your iPhone for iterative improvements, my life moved from one toy to the next. Once acquired, the paint chipped, the shine dulled, the thrill extinguished. Where do you turn when God abandons you? When Jesus was a fiction? What happens when morality is not extrinsic? When chaos is creation? Who is God for the agnostic?
Nature as God
And yet now, after 8 years, I have discovered purpose without the God of Christianity in the most unexpected of places a single line in a Quora answer.
Life has a purpose because evolution designs! Nature is god!
It compels, equips, rewards! Millions of years of evolutionary development has designed us to be as we are in order to accomplish what only we can. The eagle must hunt and soar. The cheetah must run, pounce, and play. To attempt to be other than self is to fight evolutionary progress. It is the height of hubris and foolishness. This is not “destiny” or “mission’’ or ‘’purpose” in a spiritual sense: it could not be more material or scientific.
Through millions of years of mutations, successful and failed, life has produced me: Cory Decker, 35, son of Gary and Christine, American born, lover of cats, hater of hustlers, classical pianist, polymath, excellent cuddler.
My distinct personality and genetic predispositions exist because life has designed them to be. My hatred of deception, my inquisitive mind, procrastinating inclinations, rapid knowledge acquisition, musical talent, playfulness with words, intractable focus… all designed to act, create, defend, discover, progress the very nature that produced it. I, and everyone else, was designed to be myself. Of course, this design could just mean I’m meant to be prey for a superior predator, the alpha male. It could mean that I am designed to do nothing other than serve the needs of another. Yet, only time can reveal this. For now, and until now, my life is unwritten and purpose incomplete.
How tragic, then, that we are so desperate to be like others. In order to know my purpose, I must know myself. Any work, play or mission that does not comport with or challenge my nature must be abandoned and rejected. Not merely as a homo sapien, but as a particular variety of homo sapiens.
One who despises political strategy, manipulation, power games, control, authority, and routine. Opportunity advancement at the expense of natural genetic disposition and wiring is self-sabotage.
The Philosophy of the Cat
Our beloved feline friends know this instinctively, even with domestication.
One cat spends 30 minutes playing alone with a plastic sandwich bread tie while the other looks on in condescending disdain.
One perches upon the highest pillow, the other cocooned deep inside the blankets.
One is fascinated by the playful rhythms of water, the other screams in terror as a rogue drop attacks her hind quarters.
One will never enjoy nor partake of the peculiarities and eccentricities of the other.
Both cats, both uniquely evolved with traits that determine what enjoyment and purpose are. For the one, life’s purpose is diametrically opposed to the other’s. Were they to swap, life would hardly be worth living.
Homo sapien has lost this. They live according to the purpose and mission of the other, to the neglect and detriment of their unique natures. A life worth living is a life of expressing , challenging, and pursuing one’s evolutionary nature.
At last, even after my God has died, I have discovered a god that is eternal (at least until the heat death of the Universe ends everything as we know it). A frail, insignificant homo sapien with eccentric tendencies has a purpose. And to attempt to be anything other than himself is to deny his very nature.
At last, my Sabbatical proves fruitful.
I can’t wait to be myself for the first time in 35 years.
