Top 5 public (ish) toilets in Cheltenham
It’s pretty well known among my work chums that on my lunch break I regularly have a 10 to 15-minute appointment with Doctor Brown. I’ve never been particularly inclined to use the office’s facilities so each afternoon I wander Cheltenham’s town centre looking for a spot to engage in some rapid weight loss. Strictly you should be a paying customer to use most of these spots but I won’t be losing any sleep over that.
Reporting by South West lavatory correspondent Pu Mapance
It’s not often as simple as walking into the same place every time and so over the past year I’ve developed a pretty good knowledge of the area’s premium porcelain paradises. In no particular order, here are 5 top toilets that definitely aren’t shit when you need a poo.
1) John Lewis
Ah the new boy on the block. While most people were anticipating the shopping this new department store would bring as a replacement to the Beechwood Arcade, I couldn’t wait to find out how its toilet might revolutionise my lunch time outings.
At the moment it is certainly benefitting from being just a few months old at time of writing yet any toilet reviewer worth their salt knows that time is the great teller when it comes to a lavatory’s enduring allure. If we discounted the shop’s current footfall I would be happy to recommend it as Cheltenham’s number one for a number two but there’s simply no guarantee you’ll get a stall and should you land a spot, you know there’ll be someone lurking outside and pressing the door to check if it’s occupied.
2) Marks & Spencer
This one’s definitely a lottery. With its clientele and general popularity you do run the risk of facing a communal toilet area packed with older gentlemen or being in a stall adjacent to one such gentleman.
If you’re lucky enough to get a quiet 10 or 15 minutes, however, it is a good centrally-located option for your dump. The last time I popped in though wasn’t great. The lock on my stall was only functioning at around 70% and any light inquisitorial push on the door would have left me exposed. Luckily that situation didn’t transpire but it certainly stopped me from reaching optimum bodily relaxation.
3) House of Fraser
Tucked away in a corner of the top floor homeware section in House of Fraser, this one-stall offering is my regular and I’ve yet to find a spot that has drawn my custom away. While it’s not brand spanking new or got any flash touches — not a single Dyson AirBlade in sight here — it’s immaculately kept, has good availability and even has a regularly changed stick scent thing.
The one stall setup does mean that you will get the odd push on the door but that’s a rarity, especially as the store’s homeware section sees very little footfall. I did have one near argument with a chap who accused me of taking too long — possibly a kernel of truth in that accusation — but he soon scuttled off when I told him it’ll take as long it takes. I also must confess I’ve faced an ocupado situation on more than one occasion and was forced to use the mammoth disabled room. It’s a moral grey area and I’ll just have to let the lord judge me in the final reckoning.
4) Regent Arcade
Before I switched my allegiances to House of Fraser, the WC on the upper floor of this shopping centre was my regular and it served me reasonably well for a period. Problem with this one, though, and largely the reason why I made the transfer over the bridge cafe, is availability.
My first few experiences here tricked me somewhat into believing that this is the best Cheltenham has to offer. When quiet — as my initial visits certainly were — it’s great. You’ve got three traps to choose from, well-secured bolts on the door and decent AirBlade-style hand dryers — I can’t remember for sure if it was Dyson but it still did a good job. After those early five-star trips, however, I barely ever got a free stall and have walked out more times than I can count. I’m not one of those sociopaths who waits outside a stall for someone to finish after all.
5) Cheltenham Public Library
Admittedly it would have been Cineworld rounding off this list but at the time of writing they are going through an extensive refurb. The usual toilet in the foyer that would be accessible without needing a cinema ticket is therefore blocked off and I don’t know if they’ll be reopening when the work is finished.
Instead I’ve included this odd little spot that I’m fairly sure is unknown to most people in the town. I first discovered it when working in the main library building yet instead of also being housed in that same building, it’s a two-minute walk away in the upstairs of a separate property housing the children’s section of the library. The toilet itself isn’t great and I would say has barely been changed since the late 80s but it’s great as a last resort, even if it lacks a nice whiff of popcorn on your way out.
