Butt plugs now mandatory in UK after it’s revealed COVID can be spread by farts
Many have welcomed the decision saying that they would happily shove anything up their arse to stop the spread of the virus while others have questioned how effective a butt plug would be in actually stopping it escaping through a fart. Only far-right lunatic conspiracy theorists have questioned the decision
Reporting by coronavirus prevention correspondent Weeara Masque
The UK Government has today made butt plugs or other approved anal stoppages manadatory in public spaces as it was revealed that coronavrius can be spread through farts and other seepages.
Most of the rational parties in the UK have welcomed the decision as they understand the clear and present danger of coronavirus and how vital it is we take any measures necessary to ensure no one — no matter how old or how many underlying conditions they have — die needlessly.
Despite there being little scientific evidence that the plugs will be fully effective in stopping the virus from escaping through the rectum, the Government have pushed ahead with the new safety measures that are supported by necessarily draconian punishments.
All mainstream media outlets are — as expected — uncritically reporting the new measures and are ensuring people are staying suitably scared and compliant.
If it is suspected that an individual has not inserted an anal plug of some sort then the police are able to perform an on-the-spot cavity search and issue a fine of up to £6,666 if their anus is found to be empty.
It is expected that officers will first identify those without a cork in by analysing their gait to check for visible clenching. This preliminary analysis will be followed by the use of a gloved middle finger prodding the anus through clothing.
If all of these tests do not confirm that the individual is wearing the appropriate Anal Personal Protective Equipment (APPE) then the officer can proceed onto the full cavity search with trousers down.
This may well result in many people being forced to be naked on the side of the street but by now we know any violation of someone’s freedom or rights is justified until we’ve finally stopped this horrendous virus.
And yes don’t worry anti-lockdowners, everything will go back to normal and you’ll get all your “freedoms” back after we’ve stopped the virus — we promise.
Exemptions to the rule include if you have a chronic condition like hemorrhoids, if having something up your arse causes stress and anxiety or if your anus does not have the required puckering to hold in a plug.
“I would do absolutely anything to save lives during the horrible coronavirus pandemic. Frankly, I wish had more orifices to fill so I could show everyone how much I’m doing to stop anything at all from coming out of my body,” says ardent lockdown supporter Phil Itupp.
“I just wish these selfish individuals refusing to do everything we say would realise that the sooner they give up all of their freedoms the sooner we can give them all back.”
Far-right fascist nut job Keith Meat from Rotherham said: “I ain’t lettin’ no bloody nonce stick anything up me arse!” How selfish of him.
