5 celebrities whose wives are obviously men
In the weird world of celebrity and stardom there exists a strange phenomenon: men with extreme amounts of wealth and influence whose wives look like men — ugly men at that. Perhaps we shouldn’t envy their lifestyles after all…
Reporting by Aaron Taylor-Johnson
1. Bill Gates | Net worth: $104.8 billion | Wife rating: Is that Jeffrey Tambor in drag?
The first thing we searched for when beginning the in-depth research for this article was, inevitably, ‘Bill Gates wife’. We were delighted to see that the first autofill Google suggests after that initial term was ‘is a man’. If Google hasn’t even removed that search yet then the theory about Melinda must really have some popular backing.
Bill isn’t exactly a good looking fella but typically you would expect someone with his wealth to snag at least a seven — Bezos looks like a bollock and he’s done alright for himself. Interestingly, Gates became the richest man in America the same year he married Melinda… got to be some sort of satanic deal going on there.
2. Hugh Jackman | Net worth: $55 million | Wife rating: Pretty sure Jackman was trying to catch something like that in Van Helsing
It makes sense that Bill — undoubtedly a giant nerd who deserves a massive wedgie for his creepy attempts to create a world where you can’t do anything without a Gates Foundation-approved vaccination — would end up with a chap like Melinda but Jackman’s coupling to Deborra-Lee Furness is pretty inexplicable.
In 2008 he was named the sexiest man alive and it’s fair to say he’s got better as his film career has progressed. The same can’t be said for Deborra sadly. A firm favourite of the ‘Karen’ style haircut, several surgical interventions have so far failed to prevent Furness’ features from melting into manliness.
3. Chuck Schumer | Net worth: $1.1 million and a shit load of power in the US Senate | Wife rating: Is that Ronnie fucking Corbett?
And specifically the Ronnie Corbett that sprung to mind when we first saw Iris Weinshall was when he was getting older and looking more and more like a chipmunk each day. Weinshall would make a pretty bulky chipmunk though as his shoulders are incredibly broad, presumably put to good use if Chuck steps out of line.
Owen Benjamin says it best in the video below when he says Iris is Martin Short and that “Chuck Schumer is a better looking woman”. Give it a watch, it’s pretty much impossible to argue with.
4. Robert De Niro | Net worth: $500 million | Wife rating: Chandler Bing’s dad
Before he married Grace Hightower — a “socialite” who we picture having the same husky voice as Chandler’s gender bending father — De Niro was married to Diahnne Abbott — no, not the clueless Labour politician. Both are ugly, ethnically-ambiguous nobodies which must be De Niro’s type.
As De Niro has aged he has slowly transformed into one of those old Eastern European men who are more potato than human but he’s still one of the greatest actors ever and could have at least snagged someone on the level of Chandler’s mum. Him and Hightower did separate so we now wait and see which random half-black man-woman he’ll go for next.
5. Barack Obama | Net worth: $40 million and whatever creepy connections he made while President | Wife rating: There’s one bulge too many under that dress
They say that all good secrets or conspiracy theories need to hide in plain sight and this is probably why the theory that Michelle Obama is actually Michael Obama is so compelling: her book is called ‘Becoming’ for fuck’s sake.
He’s by no means the first man masquerading as the wife of a famous man but his case is the most fun to investigate, likely because there’s so much evidence. As well as the many, many images of his stonking nob trying to sneak out, there’s also a video of Barack calling him Michael — case closed.
