Hindsight revealed to be the most effective prevention and treatment of coronavirus
A new study has shown that sanctimoniously stating what action authorities should have taken months ago to stop the spread of coronavirus could be one of the most effective preventative measures against the virus
Reporting by health correspondent Dr Hilary Clinton
New research coming out of Wuhan Polytechnic funded by a joint venture between the Chinese government and Facebook suggests that complaining about what your country’s authorities should have done to stop coronavirus is the best way to stop the virus spreading.
Preliminary results from the study indicate that the method’s efficacy is enhanced when the complaint is posted on social media, when it is written in a sanctimonious tone and when it contains lecturing about scientific concepts that the poster scanned on a Guardian article.
When these types of posts are made it is thought that the sense of self-satisfaction you gain by patronising people who have a slightly different opinion causes the body to release smugsosterone.
It is this newly-discovered hormone that directly combats the virus by belittling it into submission.
Researchers also believe that people who make such posts now were definitely self-isolating and social distancing long before governments ever instructed them to do so.
Lead researcher Kwac Dok Tur, from Thailand, said: “While most people want the scientific community to focus on contemporaneous solutions like hand washing, developing face shields or clapping out your window every Thursday at 8pm, we think we’re better off smugly pondering what should have been done months ago.
“It feels amazing when you state to the world that you knew something that governments around the world did not. You simply can’t imagine the sense of completeness when you say we should have been in lockdown earlier or should have followed what South Korea were doing.
“Ah and then educating people you went to school with on viral loading — that’s as close as I’ve come to God.”
They don’t know for sure just yet but researchers think that knowing your corona-splaining can stop the virus will give a further smugsosterone boost and so increase the body’s ability to fight the virus.
Governments around Europe have been made aware of the research and many have said that anyone using a ventilator will also be instructed to lecture as many of their Facebook friends as possible on things they have an unfounded confidence on.
Communist Guardian boy Owen Jones was delighted at the news: “We’ve always known that lecturing normal people was the best way to win them over and bring about social change.
“And now we know that doing that can quite literally save lives. It’s the vindication my work needed and I can now save the world being as self-righteous as I know I should be.”
