Essex man sits perfectly still and holds breath for 30 seconds out of every hour to combat climate change
Jarman Blatherwick — from Walton-on-the-Naze in Essex — says too many activists do not practice what they preach and the only way to truly have a clean climate conscience is to barely move and keep his breathing-based emissions to a minimum
Reporting by Climate Psycopath reporter Kwis Packum
“Pretty much all of my day is spent sat on the edge of my futon in the converted warehouse I share with 24 other climate activists,” says Jarman Blatherwick, a 34-year-old childless climate activist born in Chelsea who moved to the Essex coast to take up a place in the sought after Hellfire Commune.
“Most of the other people I share this commune with are also climate activists but — ” It was at this moment that an alarm went off and Jarman immediately held his breath for around thirty seconds.
We did see his chest rise and fall a little while he was doing it but his large exhale of breath at the end of the period assured us that this was not a hoax.
After gathering his breath Jarman continued: “They aren’t quite as committed as me. It’s only if we all immediately start a government-controlled sitting still programme will we be able to save the planet.”
While we will uncritically endorse anything that any apocalypse-peddling activist says, Jarman is kind of right that Leo DiCaprio and Prince Harry travelling places in private jets does come across a little hypocritical when they lecture others about their contribution to the crisis.
“When we’re telling people that the world is going to be over in a decade or so I guess the least we can do is actually do the things that will save the world. Even if that’s sitting still and holding your breath for just 15 seconds every hour then you’ll be going in the right direction,” says Blatherwick.
The only movement Blatherwick undertakes is a bi-weekly walk to the coast at Walton-on-the-Naze where he washes himself, his two Che Guevara t-shirts and his one pair of cut-off jean shorts in the sea water. A friend in the commune feeds him daily and aids him with his toiletry requirements.
“I undertake the 1.5-mile walk to the coast at three-quarters normal walking speed partly because I have experienced considerable muscle wastage but also because this walk presents a serious risk of pushing my emissions to dangerously high levels.
“Granted my life isn’t particularly dignified. My genitals might not be clean but at least my conscience is.”
Amen to that.
Note: Blatherwick is now suing The Frog for misgendering him, I mean zhem. Shit we just did it again.
