Migrant birds will now only able to enter UK if they have required skills
Now that Britain has left the EU birds wanting to enter the UK will face far tougher entry requirements including a points system based on factors like how much government aid they’ll require to build a nest
Reporting by ornithology correspondent Sitheon Jackdaw-Egret
Migratory birds around the world are reeling at the news that they will no longer be able to freely travel and live in Britain after the terms of Brexit were ratified.
Birds wishing to live and work here now must satisfy a number of criteria to reach a points total of 120.
Points will be allocated on criteria such as their ability to build a nest without government support, how well they can communicate with native birds, if they hold a recognised qualification in hunting, if there is a shortage in their chosen profession (perhaps pigeon racing for example) and more.
Economic experts are now warning that there will be a shortage of birds willing to take up low-skilled jobs while racists are saying that it will reduce competition for native British birds and make it easier for them to feed and reproduce.
A new task force — titled the Ministry for Keeping Out Foreign Vagrant Birds (MKOFVB) — will enforce the new rules and is being led by Britain’s best-known immigration officer Ian Foot.
“Even in the few days since the rules came into force we’ve had seven illegal miniature vessels arriving on the Kent coast,” explains Foot.
“Some of the egrets and grebes on the boat have come from as far away as Niger and there was even a sacred ibis on board. As you’d expect a lot of these birds are foreign, many of them are dirty and, unfortunately, all of them are smelly.
“Hundreds, thousands, millions, billions and possibly even trillions of birds simply fly over here and land on our shores each year without as much as a single bit of vetting.
“How are we supposed to know what strain of bird flu they are carrying and what part of Britain they are planning on segregating themselves in?”
An osprey who settled in Seaford, East Sussex, from Venezuela seven years ago and started several businesses and charities aiding birds who can’t regurgitate shit into their chicks’ mouths has warned that the new rules will result in a dearth of diversity around Britain.
“For generations birds like me have been coming here to contribute to and create Britain’s cultural landscape.
“At this stage I think it’s evident to everyone that us migrants have made the country a better place than it would be if entirely left to British birds.
“For the government to implement such rules now is entirely small-minded and not what this country is all about. I implore the government to rethink this approach before me and other immigrants start saying it’s racist in order to force a u-turn by exploiting their crippling fear of ever being called some sort of ‘ist’.”
Meanwhile an uneducated jackdaw from Rotherham made this statement with no evidence whatsoever to back up his claims: “When they arrive in this country they all congregate in one place and refuse to integrate with the rest of us. They’re violent and will often peck others like me purely because I’m a jackdaw and not a Pakistani egret.
“Is it too much or wrong for me to want the birds I see near my nest to be British and have more in common with me?”
As with anything that is even remotely critical of immigrants or anyone who isn’t a British native, we could find no support for the above claims in any other reputable outlet. NB — we contacted journalists at The Guardian, Channel 4, Buzzfeed and LadBible to confirm the invalidity of the above claim.
Those other sources did confirm, however, that the jackdaw followed conspiracy theory pages like Breitbart and TalkRadio.
What is real is though — as witnessed by a masked booby from Somalia — is gangs of pigeons wearing swastikas on their wings harassing migrant birds and a rising number joining avian ethno-nationalist groups.
Whatever the truth, the face of birdwatching in Britain will never be the same again.
