Morbidly obese 90-stone man: “I wear a face shield as coronavirus makes me worried about my health”
47-year-old Keith Blob from Toot Hill in Essex has said that he does not believe the government’s standard social distancing measures do not do enough to protect his health
Reporting by coronavirus correspondent Phried Bateeta
Despite abusing his body for the majority of his adult life — he now weighs as much as a male polar bear holding a large baby elephant — Keith Blob is being extra careful when he goes out during lockdown.
When Blob — BMI of 168 — is pried out of his steel-reinforced bed and elevated into the specially-made van on his mobility scooter so he can travel to Sainbury’s in Ongar for a £400 food shop he wears a protective face shield, rubber gloves, an industrial-level respirator and cling film over his open leg sores.
Upon returning home he has his carer cook his usual 10,000-calorie evening meal of three extra large cottage pies, two shepherd’s pies, 22 turkey dinosaurs, seven grab bags of Skips and 4 bananas followed by five tins of rice pudding while he carefully washes his hands for 20 seconds and disinfects his wallet and phone.
“The UK government’s measures to tackle the coronavirus pandemic have just been woefully inadequate,” says Blob, whose blood pressure is classified as ‘arteries on verge of imminent explosion’.
“I therefore have to take measures well beyond the norm to protect myself otherwise this highly-contagious virus will inevitably curtail my life,” he said without a pinch of self-awareness.
“I know more restrictions on movement might seem excessive right now but the sooner we flatten the curve, the sooner we can get back to doing what we love, like dining on seven Big Macs in one sitting.”
Blob’s other obesity-related diseases include diabetes, gout, arthritis, sleep apnea and gallstones, all conditions that doctors say would be improved if he improved his diet.
“My doctor’s keep going on about exercising, gastric band surgery or new diets… I’m like do you not know there is a global pandemic out there that could kill me at any point?
“Their priorities are just all… [over the place],” grumbled Blob.
Editor’s note: Our reporter was unsure of the final few words of Blob’s last quote as he was shovelling Rib n’ Saucy Nik Naks into his fat disgusting mouth.
