Polar bears confused why everyone keeps saying their numbers are going down
The Polar bear Interest Society Scheme (PISS) has expressed its surprise that they are still being used as the poster child of climate change despite their numbers being at record highs
Reporting by climate expert Gerty Tunnsbug
Paul Urber, PR spokesbear for the Polar bear Interest Society, has said that the reputation of the polar bear community has been seriously damaged by the decades-long campaign portraying the species as perpetual victims of climate change.
This isn’t something you’re likely to hear about, however, as the environmental activist media rightly prefer you to believe every single bear out there is a skinny, beleaguered runt of a beast desperately grasping onto the last bit of melting ice they can find.
To go against this prevailing message is blasphemy and one Canadian academic was fired for bringing up the inconvenient truth about how well polar bears are doing around the world.
“At first the community was happy with all the extra media attention as we got to show how good we are at ripping apart small animals and blood on our fur looks brutally photogenic,” said Urber.
“Then after a while the tone really changed. Videos started popping up following some of our worst hunters and swimmers slipping around on bits of ice. Suddenly the worst of our species defined the rest of us.”
Urber has said that polar bears are now regularly mocked online by other apex predators with crocodiles, sharks, cheetahs and eagles being particularly mean on Twitter.
Rocky O’Dile, a 23-year-old saltwater crocodile from Queensland, said: “Polar bears these days could barely hunt and kill a fairy penguin. They’re so weak that it’s time they’re removed from the predator club. Pussies can’t even handle a slight increase in temperature.”
Urber is now at the head of a new campaign by PISS aiming to emphasise how vicious, muscly and empowered the species really is.
“We won’t be taking any shit anymore. It’s time our public image reflected what we’re actually like out in the wild. We’re here, we’re white and we’re coming for your seals,” said Urber.
“It will be tough for environmentalists to find a new cold-environment poster child for their activism as penguin populations are skyrocketing, elephant seals are very hard on the eyes and you can hardly have krill on the cover of a fear-mongering Time magazine issue.
“Whales might be a good option as their numbers seem pretty squiffy but they’re already preoccupied with their commitments to being the face of eating sea plastic alongside the turtles.”
