Is two-man luge the gayest sport?
Two men lie on top of each other cock-to-arse in skin-tight lycra on a metal tray while there are considerable vibrations as they go down the ice track — surely it can’t get much gayer than that?
Reporting by sporting homo-eroticism correspondent Clozzit Ghey
A touch of gayness is an inevitable part of sport, whether that be the extended periods of close physical contact or the post-match shower with a dozen other lathered men.
Yes these experiences can be incredibly enjoyable, fulfilling and formative when with peers or friends but it is hard to deny that there is a considerably queer element to a lot of sport.
“11 dirty and sweaty men share a hot shower” would make a great headline for a Pornhub video under the gay category, as would “lycra-wearing men lie on metal tray with arse touching penis”.
How easy it is to write a Pornhub headline for a certain sporting activity should undoubtedly be one of the criteria for how gay a sport is.
So two-man luge — technically known as doubles luge — is already doing well on that front but the bare aesthetics of the sport also likely rise it above other sports, as is evidenced through the various videos dotted through this article.
We’re not particularly interested in researching the actual history of the sport but at some point along the line someone would have consciously made the decision for two athletic men to orient themselves as such on the tray.
Was this a decision made purely for reasons of aerodynamics? Or after growing tired of luging alone did one man decide that the only way to improve the sport was to have another gentleman lie on top of him?
Despite the rather uncomfortable positions wrestling puts the two competitors in — not the Vince McMahon sort of wrestling as the theatrics involved in that certainly are gay and it’s obviously not a sport but the one you’ll see in the Olympics — there is a rather natural element to wrestling as we and lots of other animals do it instinctively for play.
That can’t be said for luge, however, as our research revealed that there are not any animals out there that choose to lie on top of each other and slide around.
Perhaps a pair of penguins have done it once or twice but so far such an occurrence has not yet been caught on camera.
And similarly whereas the gayness you’ll find in wrestling or a scrum or ruck in rugby is offset by an extreme physicality or violence, there is no such element in luge.
Yes, there is a serious risk of death or injury when on any run but that is the case for most sports that require vigorous physical exertion.
Again, it’s probably fair to say that the bum-on-nob position you are in throughout the run that will rather detract from how mental the sport is.
There are so many different criteria we could analyse: the gay-dorky divide is an interesting one as real Quidditch and Ultimate Frisbee are evidently more ridiculous and less risky than luge but would likely fall into the category of ‘dorkish’ rather than ‘gayish’. But that can be investigated by others concerned in the issue.
Of everything we have considered though it really is that intent in the fundamentals of the sport that sets it apart from the rest.
You might struggle to devise a more homo-erotic set-up than what you’ll find in two-man luge — you could perhaps make the tray vibrate or remove the element of risk by reducing the gradient of the track to make it gayer — and so it really has to take the title of gayest sport in the world.
There are some close rivals out there and we wouldn’t rule out a sport being deliberately created to be as gay as possible in the future. For now though there ain’t much gayer than a bit of two-man luge.
In an adaptation of Joe Biden’s famous quote about black people, “if you don’t do two-man luge, you ain’t gay”.
