Cricket bat violence in Britain has dramatically increased following total confiscation of sharp objects. But why?
Attacks involving cricket bats have increased by 1017% in the last few months since the Labour government implemented a total nationwide confiscation of sharp objects. The Frog have embarked on a deep dive to find out what is really causing the increase in this previously unheard of form of violence
Reporting by weapons expert Steven Seagal
Politicians, campaigners, scientists and researchers around the country are all stumped — no pun intended.
Why on earth is cricket bat violence increasing?
It makes no sense. It was all supposed to be so simple: we’d take away an individual’s ability to poke holes in someone else and then everyone would start to be nice to each other.
The theory that it’s sharp things that are responsible for hurting people not the actions of other people is so blindingly obvious today that it’s incredible it took so long for any country to implement it as policy. No knife = no violence. Genius in its simplicity.
In the UK today knife crime is at 0% and yet there are still other forms of violence? It just does not compute.
Now that it’s established that when people have their knives taken away they will stop being violent, it’s time to wildly speculate on why cricket bat violence has skyrocketed recently.
I’ve broken down my hypotheses into short snippets for your easy consumption.
1) A cricket bat is an inherently racist object closely tied to Britain’s colonial past
Violence was an unavoidable part of our colonial expansion. It all started with illegal violence to occupy foreign lands and carry out ethnic cleansing of the native people and ended with justified violence to oust the racist occupiers to implement a much more stable regime run by natives.
Cricket was often used to try and civilise the native people — as if they needed civilising *SMH* — and so the cricket bat will inevitably trigger ancestral residue that is deeply embedded in violence, suffering and genocide.
2) Since Labour came to power the rich have not been happy and cricket is the sport of the elite
The ‘Toff Protests’ down at parliament since Labour got in and implemented a 98% tax rate on the richest 10% have often turned nasty as rich white people are very well known to do.
I’ve had several comrades report that they’ve seen such protesters wielding cricket bats with blood on them at the protest although my friends did have their faces covered in black balaclavas so their vision may have been impaired.
3) People are emulating Shaun of the Dead
If this film had never shown the main character brutally killing zombies with a cricket bat then the chances are it wouldn’t even occur to people to use a short handle as a weapon.
Not only is the violence shown, it is glorified and comically depicted. The filmmakers won’t be laughing though when they’re hit with a lawsuit for being culpable in the current epidemic.
These are just speculations on the causes of the increase in violence, however, and to reverse these frightening figures we know what must be done.
Cricket bats need to be immediately outlawed and the whole sport needs to be suspended pending an investigation into how so many of these brutal weapons became so easily available. A mandatory buyback scheme funded by taxpayers will be brought in with non-compliance punishable by incarceration.
It might even be necessary to go one step further and to demand a widespread confiscation of people’s hands as the studies indicate that the limb was used in 100% of all the recorded recent attacks.
Yes the racist far-right will roll out the same tired arguments claiming to address violence: the re-establishment of the family unit, closer community ties, harsher punishments or return to religion *eye roll*.
And yes they will say that those intent on violence will simply find another object to be violent with when the one they used before gets confiscated… blah blah blah blah boring! You should never entertain anything those monsters have to say about anything.
Only if we employ government power to remove everyone’s ability to be violent will we ever be safe on the streets again.
