God reveals the meaning of life is to put as little pressure on the NHS as possible
The Christian God was a surprise speaker at Boris Johnson’s latest coronavirus press conference where he revealed what many have suspected for a while — that Britons’ reason for existing is to make every effort to reduce strain on the NHS even if that simply means having as little impact on the world as possible
Reporting by Matt Handles-Cock
To supplement the manipulative behavioural psychology techniques the government has been using to manipulate the population into fear and shame, Boris Johnson has brought in God as Chief of Coronavirus Morality.
The new position was revealed at the PM’s latest press conference imploring the British public to adhere to lockdown restrictions in order to stop the NHS crumbling into a sickening pile of life-risking nurses, rubble, unused vaccines and respirator-wearing infected.
Interestingly, God approached the British Government — he was not forced to attend the press conference at gunpoint — after he became increasingly concerned that the majority of the population were incorrectly interpreting the meaning of existence.
“When this pandemic came around I held the hope that humans would work out for themselves that they are on this earth to protect the NHS and allow nurses the time to make their best dances for TikTok,” explained the Holy Father.
“Governments around the world are on a level of moral authority similar to me and they’ve been brilliantly aggressive at getting people to commit their lives to protecting their various health services throughout the pandemic.
“Yet still there are those who resist their true purpose and so I felt it necessary to descend onto this mortal coil to inform the masses that the best way to serve me is to devote every moment of your existence to minimising your impact on the world.
“I apologise if anyone has ever felt misled into believing that the meaning of life is to build a family, enjoy as many of my natural creations or find purpose in a vocation that makes the world a better place.”
Up in heaven God has been incredibly strict with enforcing social distancing guidelines despite everyone already being dead and also shared an anecdote where he was forced to snitch on his only son after he suspected that he was violating lockdown restrictions by hanging out with 12 of his closest friends.
“Everyone on earth should now know that if they make even the mildest infraction of lockdown restrictions they will be washed off the face of the planet. I’m really on the verge of going into an Old Testament sort of wrath on lockdown breakers,” said God.
As a being who exists outside of time and our human conception of reality God was the very first to receive the vaccine and, despite being immortal, it still gave him a case of Bell’s palsy where his face was painfully deformed for a week.
The press conference ended on a couple of rather unexpected notes, beginning with his response to a fascist journalist questioning the true capacity of the NHS: “What? Why would any of us lie about how much pressure the NHS is under?
“These conspiracy theorists really have no conception of how stressed our medical staff are, they do their dances for TikTok to relieve stress not because the situation isn’t as serious as we’re all claiming in the media.
“If you keep questioning our narrative — which is correct and backed by the science — you are putting lives at risk and I will not hesitate to curse you and your family or, worse, I will ban you from all social media platforms,” he said while getting increasingly exasperated and while looking for help and support from other press conference attendees.
The media outing got even worse for God when a journalist with white supremacist connections asked if he was connected with the creation of the virus: “Yes I created pretty much everything ever but this one particular virus I didn’t.
“If I was to create a plague or pestilence and release it on the world it would have a far higher mortality rate than this one,” he said before catching himself and quickly backtracking under the death stare of chief ghoul Chris Whitty.
“Not that coronavirus isn’t really really super deadly of course, um, yeh it’s really not safe to go indoors with other people without a mask and it’s always mutating isn’t it?…
“Plus we don’t even know if the vaccine will stop a new strain do we? But in general take the vaccine as you then won’t die and you can get back to normal but still be on high alert as well… Umm wear a mask… Hands, safe space, face — is that the motto?”
At this point God had his microphone cut and hollow-eyed husk Whitty wrapped up the press conference.
Reaction to the press conference varied wildly with Satan thought to be incredibly pleased that God has more or less started doing his job for him while many took no notice whatsoever as they’re not about to start heeding the Word of the Lord now after generations of Godlessness.
Blue check marks on Twitter had the most pertinent take away from the whole situation by accusing the British Government of racism for only bringing out the white Christian God and ignoring the likes of Allah and gods of a rather browner persuasion.
