My Orthodox Life: From Prisoner-Victim of Secular & Christian Abuse to Liberated Shabbes Princess
Thank You, HASHEM
I have handled this situation in private and do not need assistance.
Thank you in advance for respecting that.
Until I made teshuvah, I was a victim and a prisoner.
I have removed the section detailing the lengthy history of being abused for the first 27 years of my life due to concerns over recent legal precedent and resurgent acceptance of abuse against women in the secular world. Thank you for understanding.
Putting HASHEM first is what saved my life, because no human’s desires trump HASHEM: HASHEM is higher than the abuser and has the final WORD. Even if I wanted a relationship with certain people, I couldn’t have one because it would put my safety at risk. It’s out of my hands and in HASHEM’S.
Likewise, I’ve taken my power back by rejecting that I have to look a certain way to make certain people happy. I don’t have to present myself in a way that makes them look good, but in a way that honors HASHEM, and that’s with emphasis on what I say, what I do, and my outlook on the world.
And what of justice? Well: When the wicked thrive like grass, and all evildoers flourish — it is in order that they may be destroyed forever (Tehillim 92:8). The wicked get their share of goodness in this world, not in Gan Eden. Even so, these certain people range from secular to Christian: they are not Noahides (who are the Righteous amongst the non-Jews), so I don’t have to deal with them in Gan Eden. They’ve had all the fun with me they’re ever going to have in this life.
My Orthodox life is one of freedom and security. It’s one of endless possibilities: I don’t “need” certain people behind me. I have HASHEM, and I have constant reminders of HASHEM throughout my day with constant prayer and meditation. I don’t have to touch anyone out of “politeness” or else risk “embarrassing” certain people: HASHEM provides me with armor and boundaries. I don’t have to eat something that may kill me: HASHEM’S kosher laws are life-saving. Most of all, I don’t have to make nice with people who hurt me: HASHEM has saved me from them, too.
I went through a phase of wanting to name names and scream what happened to me to the world. I don’t anymore, because that’s not going to change what happened. It’s not going to feed me. It’s not going to make my day better, and it’s not going to make certain people shape up: the only people who can make the change is them, and if they want to become decent people, they will. Regardless if they change their ways, no amount of their finagling can turn me back to the shackles of victim, because they’re devoid of logic next to HASHEM.
HASHEM is my shield.
HASHEM is my sword.
HASHEM is my freedom
That’s my Orthodox life.