The all-black-wearer’s guide to wearing colour, in 15 steps.
Because colour is absolutely something I know about.
- Wear black. All the time.
- Dye your hair black too. Your grandmother will love this. She may question the family on whether you joined a cult. This is sign you’re doing it right.
- Commit to black. Black is your everything. Black is life.
- Seriously consider your mum’s advice to ‘get out of your comfort zone’.
- Buy a mint green shirt.
- Wear it. If you find yourself physically cringing, don’t worry. This is a normal reaction to colour touching your skin. Try pulling at the shirt constantly and from every angle. This will not only keep the shirt away from you, but also signal to others that you and this shirt aren’t, like, a thing.
- Buy more colourful clothes. Maybe even a button-up covered in birds. What a wild purchase!
- Wear them. Push your feelings of wanting to wear black deep, deep, down inside, so far down that these feelings live in your feet. Put jauntily-coloured socks on said feet.
- Still wear black, but only sometimes. These are your special days.
- Move somewhere smaller than where you’re living now. This will force you to go through everything you own and discard anything that doesn’t bring you joy.
- Now you’re back to an all-black wardrobe. Thank god. For good measure, eradicate all any other coloured items from your life. This may include blankets, towels, shoes, sheets, bras. Be ruthless. Consider keeping white and grey. They’re not colours; they’re degrees of black, so they’re a-ok.
- Revel in today’s black on black ensemble.
- Revel in your memory of yesterday’s black on black ensemble.
- Let’s do one more—revel in the memory of the day-before-yesterday’s black on black ensemble too.
- Solemnly swear to never wear colour again. You’re better than that.