Lo, we have come to a year of deep affliction in the United States. Almost 10% of the population has marched in Black Lives Matter protests across the country. COVID-19 is on track to kill 400,000 Americans, the same number as died in World War II. The west coast is burning. The southern coasts are flooded. The country is a state divided, with increasingly bitter discussions at dinner tables and in the learned discussions on Youtube and Facebook. Pestilence, uprisings, floods, fire and division. Truly an annus horribilis.
But there are lessons to be learned from these calamities. They are calls to action for many marginalized groups, calls to change their lives in radical and positive ways, calls to help America in these oh so difficult times, and in the future as well. And so, I’ve prepared a guide for many of these challenged groups to help them understand their place on the canvases in this set of prints by Gustav Dore.
Evangelical Christians should realize that this is the End Times, and that the Rapture is nigh! To hasten it, they should sell all their worldly possessions, give the proceeds to the Anti-Christ (easy donations here: Joe Biden for President: Official Campaign Website), slip into a scratchy, burlap bag as their only clothing and roam the woods as itinerant, squirrel preachers until they are called to Heaven. (Little known fact: squirrels have souls, unlike Democrats and atheists, so save your preaching for the squirrels).
Far-right, racist nationalists should realize that this means that the USA is not the land for them. They should band together, buy Tuvalu from its government, giving that nation — one which is subject to belief in the hoax of climate change — sufficient funds to relocate all of their people to another country such as India, and then emigrate on mass to this glorious Pacific archipelago where they can live out the rest of their lives free of the pernicious problem of co-existing with other races. Or women. Climate change is a New World Order hoax, so the islands aren’t going to disappear beneath the waves!
Any anti-vaxxers left over who weren’t caught up in the previous two groups should realize that there is no way for them to keep themselves or their children safe from the pressing dangers of the 21st Century, find an agreeable non-anti-vaxxer relative to adopt their children, once again sell all of their possessions, put all the proceeds in a trust for their children, paint themselves pavement colored, walk naked onto a freeway at night, then lie down and wait for the inevitable. This is merely a speed bump in an untenable life, after all.
Any flat-earthers left over after the irrational previous groups have left the building — not many, but still — should realize that now is the time for them to give their all for their belief. They should pool their money together, raise the sunken boats from Lake Travis, carefully dry the Trump 2020 flags, have the boats transported to the Gulf of Mexico, and set sail for the edge of the world to the so-called ‘south’, towing anyone who wouldn’t fit in one of the still damp power boats in rubber dinghies and on stand up paddle boards. The world is flat, and they have the chance to prove it!
Any climate-change deniers left over — yes, there are a handful who aren’t evangelical Christian, far-right, flat-earther, anti-vaxxers — should immediately join the schismatic subset of MGTOW: MGTOWTDV. Yes, that’s right, Men Going Their Own Way To Death Valley! Once again, they should sell all their worldly possessions, donating the proceeds to Joe Biden for President: Official Campaign Website in a glorious nose-thumbing at that insipid believer in the climate-change hoax. Yeah, that will show him! Then, wearing nothing but their tattered wife beaters, socks with sandals and stained cargo shorts, they should flock to the center of Death Valley to await the global cooling that they so fervently believe is right around the corner. There they will live in a festive Libertarian commune, vaguely reminiscent of some beautiful novel by William Golding, which they heard was awesome despite the author’s suspiciously Jewish surname.
And as a final dust broom, any remaining adherents of the major conspiracy theories — New World Order, QAnon, PizzaGate, Protocols of Zion, Ben Shapiro being intelligent — should realize that we do know who you are, where you live and when you’ll be home. We’re dispatching the black, silent helicopters right now. Don’t go home. Don’t go to the office. Don’t go to the ATM. Destroy your phone. Remove all identification and cards from your wallet. Use what money you have to buy tin foil, lots and lots of tin foil. Wrap your head and body in the tinfoil and burrow into the nearest dumpster. You will be delivered gently to a landfill where you can unite with your hundreds of brethren and your 2–3 sisters to scratch out survival on the off casts of the Lizard People’s society, until that glorious day you rise in rebellion, rip Tom Hanks’ and Bill Gates’ rubber masks off of their scaled snouts, and ship them off in a rocket back to Alpha Centauri.
Yes, many Americans should take these signs and portents extremely seriously. The time is now. The time is right. The kumquat has fallen.