Thousands of New Yorkers Vitamin Deficient in Wake of Juno-Induced Kale Shortage

Following the panic caused by incorrect reports of the severity of Winter Storm Juno thousands of New Yorkers have been left vitamin deficient, as Whole Foods and Trader Joes are both reporting a massive shortage of kale and quinoa.

“The stuff was just flying off the shelves, man. I saw one woman actually take down a toddler to grab the last wilty bunch of kale from the shelves. It was insane,” said a Trader Joes employee who spoke with the Gabbler on the condition of anonymity.

As the city prepared for a possible 24–26 inches of snow, many New Yorkers flocked to grocery stores to stock up on essentials. Kale and quinoa were among the first grocery items to run out, with gluten free snacks a close third.

“I had to buy regular, gluten-filled pretzels,” said one harried shopper. “I’ll probably be mentally fuzzy and fatigued for days thanks to all that enriched flour.” Fortunately, she was able to grab some spinach and apples so that she wouldn’t be forced to forgo her morning green juice.

Real data on the number affected by this severe vitamin shortage are still pending, but public health officials are being consulted to assess the grizzly toll of this shortage.

“We can expect energy levels of organic eaters to be at an all-time low as gluten is reintroduced into their system and their protein and Vitamin K intake goes down, due to a decrease in quinoa and kale intake,” said Sandy Davis, a Whole Foods nutritional consultant.

Dr. Daniel Simms, a nutritional expert, also seemed concerned, saying that it would take people “minutes” to recover from these deficiencies, “those minutes, of course, being the time it takes you to just find another source of food.”

As the storm slowed this afternoon, weakened New Yorkers were seen slowly hobbling towards Whole Foods, no doubt in search of the kale their bodies were desperately craving.

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