Crazy Conspiracies Competition Winner Announced!
Journos had a competition organized by Corragh May White on Societies Day. The aim of the competition was to find the craziest conspiracy theories to do with the prompts.
Our winner from Wednesday was none other than 2nd Science and Science Convenor, Scott Green.
All right, comrades, gather round this dumpster fire and fasten your tinfoil hats. We’re about to go on a journey.
I, Scott Green, am about to open your Third Eye to all the “coincidences” on this campus. Don’t be afraid. As the old saying goes: knowledge is power, France is Bacon.
Let’s start with the obvious one. Smokey the Pigeon. The one-legged champion of Truth and Crumbs that he is. You all know and love him.
But here’s something you probably don’t know — Smokey was a veteran. He served as a sub-contractor for the Navy Seals, working as part of an off-the-books air division known as the ‘Black Kiwis.’ These Special Forces were sent in to deal with countless dissenters, overseeing coups, power transfers, and facilitating trades for “legitimately obtained diamonds.”
But that’s not important. We’re here to talk about the limp.
On a routine convoy escort, the Black Kiwis were set upon by rebel bandits. They suffered heavy losses — but none as heavy as Smokey. During the fray Smokey got pinned down by a collapsing tree. It’s rumoured to have been planted by the same rebel group that orchestrated the ambush.
Trapped, and with his avian companions plummeting around him he decided to cut his losses — and his leg. He hobbled away from the chaos until he reached the nearest outpost to relay his message. It was an unknowing and unintentional tribute to his ancestor, Steamer, a carrier pigeon who worked around the time of the invention of Stevenson’s Rocket and who once saved an entire train’s worth of people after carrying back news of a crash. Legend has it, they named the Steam-Train after him. It’s definitely false, but the fact people say it has to mean something.
Smokey was later awarded the Purple Feather and the retirement location of his choice. So he chose. Smokey ran to Ireland his tail feathers hanging between his leg and stump.
Now, I know what you’re thinking; “what a brave soul! A hero! It’s an honour to be in his presence.”
Well, let me tell you this: you’re wrong. Dead wrong, in fact. Dead as Smokey in his unmarked, unlisted grave. Because the truth? The truth is Smokey couldn’t live with the survivor’s guilt. He took the short flight from the English Department in Tower Block 2 to the concrete Concourse below.
Student approval plummeted. The whole campus went into meltdown. In this outpouring of public mourning’s darkest days, there were unbelievable riots. Warde’s sandwiches were thrown into the Corrib. People went to Carbon willingly. The Journalism Course suffered irreparable damage. Donegal Tuesday was attacked by an influx of those damned Tyrone Jerseys.
The college couldn’t let this continue. So, they decided a scheme. Obviously they couldn’t bring back Smokey as some kind of Frankenpigeon. But they could replicate his image.
And so the “Flew from Coo” project was born.
Detailed within was a major brainwashing plot that would create replica birds in the minds of all the students. But recently the system has been on the fritz due to an increased number of students needing to be put under. This has led to multiple one legged birds being reported. As such, construction was carried out of the summer to install a new power source for the beacon. I won’t say where it is, but let’s just say it’s under the bialann floor.
There was, however, an unforseen failure: the system doesn’t work on international students. Names like “Stumpy” have begun to emerge. Naturally, students leap to the defence of Smokey because those poor fools have been programmed to.
For us to realise that Smokey is actually gone and that we’re living in a Post-Pigeon world, where Sean Gallagher is running for president, where the government is sanctioning brute force against peaceful protests and that Climate Change is a real threat that people will ignore it until it’s too late because they don’t find it tangible would be… it would just… I can’t imagine if…
Oh God…
Sorry? Where was I?
Oh, the brainwashing.
Right. So, I bet you’re wondering how they do it. There’s a lot of formative minds going around the place that surely — surely — would discover a plot like this, yeah?
Well, no. But on the off chance that there was an enlightened few, an Illuminati ifyou would, NUI Galway decided the easiest thing to do would be leave it in plain sight. Thus “The Big Yellow Thing” was born.
I know what you’re thinking. “I’ve heard a few guides describe that as a commission that represents a modern take on the culturally significant Celtic Knot” — to which I have only one retort: if that’s a Celtic Knot you can cleft my ass in twain.
The original name of it was “The Mind Cleanser” but for reasons unknown to everyone but the internal marketing committee, it had to be canned. Its vagueness has served to lend it credit and there’s enough apathy in the student body that they don’t even think about it. Yet I have a simple test for you to prove how much the college monitors it. Try and cover it with potatoes and see how quickly the college will come down with their oppressive iron fist to stop you.
On to the meat of the issue. Why would the college get involved in such a heinous scheme? The answer is simple.
Sweet, sweet government funding. And also because Trinity did it first but not everything NUI Galway does is because Trinity is doing it alright?!
And so Neural User Interface Gyration centre was born. Yes, Gyration. You read it. That’s right all the big yellow thing (if you must persist with that name) does. It rotates your brain ever so gently to dispel thoughts of Smokey or anything around the year ███████. The staff are in on it too. Your favourite history lecturer, they know; the staff in the bialann, they know; Pat Morgan, oh you best believe she knew; the ever-friendly John Hannon, he knows; Jim Browne knew; and now Ciaran knows as well.
Most importantly you know too. And I know you know. And they know I know that you know and there’s only one thing you, I, or anyone can do if we ever hope to reclaim our campus.
Tune in next week to find out what.
Green September Red October Over and Out.
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