Day 27 — The Dreaded Drama Triangle rears it’s wicked head… again!

Blogtober — Day 27. “WOW!”

Today I need to process a few things which have recently happened.

This may or may not be appealing but it’s what I need right now from my writing. My writing MUST be cathartic and create a space for me to review, revise, understand, take new perspectives, and have that tough yet compassionate chat with myself.

So last night’s sleep was rubbish and my WHOOP shows a red alert signal meaning low recovery.

Several things contributed to this which I’ve already mulled over.

Playing beach volleyball at a high strain level usually leaves me tired and lower on the recovery side the next day. That’s a given. Yet my sleep was disturbed multiple times. The air conditioner was on too high and I didn’t have a blanket to go over myself. I also changed our bedroom to get rid of the king size bed Jacquie has complained was causing her back aches, and reverted to our two seperate beds. Mine a queen single, and hers a queen bed.

So, I should have expected an adjustment period in terms of sleeping on a ‘new’ bed.

I just made it harder for myself by playing volleyball and with this new spiking technique, which is paying dividends on the court, I’m left though with a very sore neck and upper back muscles. It’s related to the nerve pinch while doing push ups last Monday. So a sore neck, new bed, too cold A/C, and I set myself up for a crappy night’s sleep.

Also I didn’t put the mattress topper on my mattress to make it softer and more comfortable. So going from a super cushy but ‘wavy’ king bed worth thousands to a no frills flat bed with no cushioning. I should have seen it coming. But I was optimistic!! For once haha!!

Nevermind.. today I’ll put the mattress topper on the bed, ensure I have a blanket to avoid getting so cold I wake up (I prefer a cold room but too much wakes me), and I’ll stretch out and do mobility work on my shoulders and neck today. That along with my usual pre-sleep routine of hot shower, brush teeth, floss, and tongue scrape and magnesium drink and I’m sure I’ll do better tonight.

The main issue I’m faced with is my ‘rescuing persona’ who shows up unrequested.

Even though Jacquie had mentioned several times her back was sore from the bed, and she never had issues with her previous bed, and I absolutely loved the king bed, I went ahead and tried to save her from the issue. But, as Jacquie pointed out, I was martyring myself in the process. Something of a family trait. We’re givers. Trained by Christianity through The Salvation Army to give without thought of receiving.

And that pissed her off as my rescuing created another issue of a perfectly good bed worth thousands now parked outside in the humidity… and me suffering from poorer sleep. I think I was trying to avoid a conflict by bringing it up, and in the end knew I’d get a conflict if I took action while Jac was at work. She came home, and was shocked.

I tried to playfully blame it on our Teddy Bears, Ted and Bertie. That narrative stuck last night, and Jac accepted the bears were only trying to help their Mumma Bear’s back pains. Their heart was in the right place.

But this morning I discontinued the bear narrative “excuse” and had to take responsibility for my rescuer tendencies. I had denied Jac any input into the creation of a solution which would suit us both. One solution she mentioned was her sleeping on my bed, which is smaller and small enough for me to be able to bring the king bed back into the room with enough room for us to get to our beds, and fit in the bedroom. I’ve discounted that as the point was to get her back to her good bed. But perhaps that is the solution. I can have my king bed, she can at least try my smaller bed, with a mattress topper for comfort, and we can see if that is a solution to her back aches which she thinks is from the king bed.

Perhaps the back ache isn’t from the bed. Perhaps it’s a large belly that is causing weight strain on her back and that is just being magnified on that bed. She somewhat aggressively stated, “well I could lose 20kgs!” as a solution as I attempted to prompt her to consider not sleeping on her back, wearing mouth tape to stop mouth breathing during sleep which impacts on recovery. As she’s said lately she hasn’t been getting that “wake up and go” energy which we all love to experience.

Since it appeared she wasn’t willing to do those things which I know could help her, I took it upon myself to rescue her from the problem.

Rather than gratitude, though there was some of course, there was frustration and annoyance and flabbergastedness due to my over initiative and lack of consideration for my own needs… as I confided I feared I’d lose pretty much the best bed I’ve ever had if we sold it. Though she said we’d sell it in the coming months when we move in February… (to a larger space on the northern beaches closer to work with a pool is the likely future scenario there)

I couldn’t accept another 4–5 months of Jac with that sore back from the bed. I had to save her from that.

Even though she’s going to the chiropractor for another 4 weeks of a 12 week twice weekly program for a numb arm and computer worker back arch. Perhaps that guy could have assisted Jac with exercises as she’s clearly opened up to him and has been doing her daily neck and shoulder stretching exercises fairly regularly.

I think sometimes I also come across as a Persecutor, another of the roles from the Dreaded Drama Triangle.

When my coaching prompts aren’t accepted or Jac argues why my prompts are not worthwhile for her I feel the Victim, helpless, and then quickly switch to the Persecutor role. Well fuck you then. Stay that way. And then I feel guilty and go into the easiest role and most comfortable role I know… the Rescuer.

What a fucking drama triangle I get stuck in huh?!

So moving forward, I need to seek to co-create, rather than play the victim, to coach rather than rescue (myself as much as Jac as sometimes my coaching must come across as persecution), and challenge rather than persecute (though I think my challenges probably come across as persecution too!!)

I kinda feel impotent and incompetent in reaching Jacquie sometimes. Despite my own personal optimisation practices, my knowledge, my expertise, I sometimes see a dismissal of all that from her. That saddens me. I really can help. And if she doesn’t receive my formal nudges, then perhaps I’m pathological about wanting others in my life to be free of pain.

But pain causes us to act. To find our own ways. Find our own solutions. To bite down and dig deep into ourselves. Sometimes letting people go to find their own ways.

Just as Jac has done with the chiropractor. People at her work have gained much from working with this guy, and she’s seen that and been hopeful it could help her too. I get that. Her shoulders and spine are coming good as the x-rays have shown from the daily exercises and twice weekly manipulations she receives. I just wish I could contribute more to her health and wellness. I wish she would trust me more to try some of the things I’ve specialised in over the years and isn’t just book knowledge. I practice what I preach… that is IF I preach. But it doesn’t seem that way… so again I turn to victim mode. I feel helpless.

I hate that. But that is MY PATHOLOGY. Not hers.

I just want us to be happy and healthy and strong… like Wim Hof puts it. I believe we can achieve that. I just need to keep on believing.