Overcoming
Like all people, I possess an infinite list of things about myself I feel need to be addressed. Depending on how you wish to perceive it, it may be an effort to pursue the betterment of self.
To strip down the layers of conditioned beliefs and behaviours which seem contradictory to the true principles and values of the heart, returning to a state of purity and authenticity.
Perhaps the difference between myself and others is that many may not feel the same way I do or have even reflected upon whether such a notion could be something to seriously entertain (if at all).
Not to say that they do not apply to me, though I am not talking about superficial things that have some kind of impact to my “I” identity; i.e. my physical appearance, my societal status, my level of material abundance, etc.
Rather, I am talking about all the things that may very well form the foundation to such superficial cares and desires; that is, limiting belief systems, irrational fears, anxieties, insecurities, self-defeating thought patterns, etc.
For many years now, this work — the ‘inner work’ — has been the sole focus as I ceaselessly tease out the string of life, unravelling the complexities that come with the production line-produced industrial cog that is modern man.
The search for clarity, truth, and purity has often, if not always, been found deep within, causing me great angst and discomfort. And of course, when facing such demons, it is never as simple as merely confronting them, but to then dive deep, to stare into its eyes unwaveringly, to pierce through the darkness, to wade through the thick enveloping mire to dissect it, inch-by-inch, from the inside-out.
And even when such efforts encounter the light within the labyrinth, we can never truly say that we’ve arrived to a point of absolute conquest. The light may get progressively brighter, though the labyrinth will always remain.
The Hero’s Quest
In late 2019, I embarked on a vision quest with my brothers from The Flowstate Collective — an extraordinary group of humans who have helped me a great deal in honing my connection with source.
A vision quest is a rite of passage used in many traditional indigenous cultures. A sacred ceremony, designed to initiate an individual from one phase of life into the next.
For this quest — my first — a small group of men gathered on sacred land equipped with open hearts and burning questions of the soul. Our spirits were interwoven through the ritual of ceremony, a bond and connection piercing to the core.
With this powerful space held by the land, by the brotherhood, and by source, our sacred questing sites hand-picked each of us for the gruelling journey inward. Our sites, scattered throughout the sacred mountain, would be the place where we would each call home for three days and three nights. Out in the wilderness, braving the elements of Mother Nature.
On this solo quest, I would fast from all societal stimuli — no food, books, journals, pens, electronic devices, human contact, etc. I felt the cold disconnection of the reality we all take for granted. All I had with me was my sleeping bag, some clothes, drinking water, and the bubbling cauldron of my mind where my questions slowly simmered together with my deepest, darkest demons. I wondered, would this be enough to keep me warm?
In seeking space, I had certainly found it in abundance. I had created a vastness for myself in every sense of the word — whether physical, mental, or spiritual. This is an environment incredibly conducive to and supportive of inward reflection and rumination. However, the mind is an equally powerful force, relentlessly throwing red flags and warning signs when exposed to a state of immense vulnerability.
This is what I asked for, so there it was.
There wasn’t a moment where my mind didn’t play tricks on me.
There wasn’t a moment where I didn’t try to convince myself to return to the foot of the mountain early.
There wasn’t a moment where I didn’t put myself into a state of panic, fear, and anxiety through manufactured and self-perpetuating stories.
There wasn’t a moment where my mind didn’t attempt to distract me with anything and everything other than the inner work that I was there to do.
At any moment, I felt I could be swept away and consumed by the raging vortex of my mind. But, at the very same time, my awareness that all of this was occurring kept me firmly rooted in sanity and deep presence.
Rebirth
Upon returning from the mountain, my quest complete, I was overcome by a sense of relief and exploded in small fits of emotion. I had done it, but deep down I knew it wasn’t over.
And here I was. Humbled to the core, cracked right open, broken down into nothing more than the dust of my quest, raw and ready to put the pieces back together and destroy those that no longer fit.
I shed many layers on that sacred land, saw much of what I had once called my ‘self’ die many deaths. I had let go of so much that corrupted the purity of my essence and watched it dissolve back into the nothingness of the wind.
My mind had taken a seat, and my heart had finally stood up.
As a butterfly hovered overhead on the final day of my quest, it was a sign that the journey of transformation had well and truly begun — I had been reborn.
This was, by far, the most challenging experience that I had ever faced in my life. Sure, it could have been less difficult if I didn’t do the work as it was meant to be done. But I chose to be there and diluting the experience through self-distraction would have defeated the purpose. I also recognise that completing the quest does not mean that I have conquered anything, or that the work is now done.
On the day before returning home from this epic journey, we were told that we must visit our quest sites one final time. With the trauma of the experience fresh in my mind, I had shut out any notion of seeing that place ever again, but as I mentioned, I always knew I would, whether it was in this form or another.
I do not believe that every dark cave of the psyche can ever be fully conquered and vanquished. Rather, it is the journey of continuously attempting to overcome. Each moment, we are challenged to explore the cave a little deeper. And whether or not we end up finding the treasure that we seek, the shell of the cave will always remain.
Originally published at https://www.findingspace.co on November 5, 2019.
