3 am thoughts

Leena
The Girl Code Publication
4 min readFeb 25, 2024

My trauma, my misery, it’s my own to bare.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

I can pretend well, it’s one of my few talents. I can encourage, love, and uplift everyone else while I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t want others to worry or feel like I’m a burden, so I keep it all to myself and cry alone. I cry more than I admit. Sometimes there’s a reason, other times I’m left to wonder why this rainfall goes unchecked down my round cheeks.

Poetry is where I express myself best, writing down how I feel has always been the only way to say how I really feel. Saying these things out loud has always led to danger in my life. So forgive me when I can’t physically tell you what’s going on with me. Words from the mouth are much different than words on paper.

I’m safe, for now. I’m always waiting to be unsafe once again, the freeze and flight in me is real and I’m prepared. Things feel too good to be true, because good doesn’t happen to me, it’s not a thing I trust. I don’t know how to.

One day maybe I’ll be able to settle in and relax, but that day is not today. No, today I cry torrents of tears by myself and tell no one. I send happy hellos and encourage others to give themselves grace and goodness while lacking to do so myself. Because self-care is hard, and grace seems unreachable at times. Forgiving oneself is so much harder than forgiving others.

My trauma, my misery, it’s my own to bare. I won’t put that on others. The burdens I feel… they’re mine to carry. I’ve worked hard on myself, I’ve put in so many hours of therapy and self-help books, I’ve listened to others and learned a lot. I know how to read the room, and I’ve sized you up before you even look my way. I can already tell what armor to wear in your presence. Protecting oneself…. Can be vital.

I tend to self-sabotage and not give others a chance to show me that they’re genuine. Because this heart has been through the mud and back again so many times that I’m flabbergasted it still beats.

One day, maybe, I’ll be healed… one day, maybe, I’ll give myself the grace I advise others to give themselves. Or love myself far more than I do now. Life is full of one days and maybes. Until then I’ll keep working on me, healing, growing, showing up for others. Showing the kindness I wish I’d had my entire life. I’ll love hard, and probably get slaughtered emotionally many times. But I won’t Apologize for who I am, or who I’m becoming.

It’s taken a long time to get to where I am today. I won’t regret my life choices, they’ve molded me into who I am. I will no longer make excuses for things I had no control over. I won’t lie for others; or cover up their actions for them. If they’re assholes, well then others can figure that out real quick for themselves and make their own judgement call. I won’t be a secret you get to keep in your back pocket and never be able to have my own happiness.

I will love. I will grow. I will show compassion. I will be kind and doting. I will give and not expect anything in return. I will be patient with you, though I lack the same patience for myself. I will show up and not give up on you. I will give you the shoes off my feet if you need them, I’ll feed you if I can, I’ll let you cry, vent or holler into the void if that’s what you need. I won’t do mean, and you will not yell or demean me. Nor I you.

So many things on my heart…. So many words that feel like they need to spill out. Not enough time.

My worth is not contingent on others. Something I’ve learned this past year. My love is not something to be ashamed of. My kindness is not a weakness. My tongue and mouth can be sinful, but also sweet and nurturing. I yearn to touch and be touched. I yearn to be loved. I can’t guarantee I’ll trust that love at first… but I do want it. Need it.

These words feel random, but also needed. I’ve bottled so much up for so damn long. I’ve been muted most of my life. But now that the damns been broke… I’m not sure the words will ever run out. I hope you’re Okay with that…. And if you’re not? I guess you didn’t belong here anyway. Thanks for coming to 3am thoughts. Let’s meet again soon.

Xoxo,

Lovely Girl

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Leena
The Girl Code Publication

Appalachian raised, southern girl that loves to tell stories and speak from the heart...