Open Letter To My Ex Reaching Out In A Global Pandemic
First things first, yeah, 2020 was rough. All the extra down time meant a majority of us felt our brains spin that old mental rolodex* of people we know/knew. I myself often wonder what living in Covid world would have been like if I was younger. The thought of experiencing a global pandemic in the context of my childhood, teenage years and college years is frankly not appealing. Neither was the (swear to God) dream I had about you, Mr. Ex, literally two days before you reached out via Facebook message. I swore I blocked you.
Before you get excited the dream I had about “the good old days" was ineffective. Despite the vivid environment of our old stomping grounds I was not buying the nostalgia as charming. (It was nice to see your father again, though.) I was so bored as an unconscious dreamer I was actively questioning “why am I here?” I then woke up next to my husband and breathed a sigh of relief.
Two days later, it was around 3 or 4 a.m. when I’m at my groggiest. While struggling to stay awake and feed my infant I heard the “ding!” sound as you pushed a message notification my way. The disbelief of coincidence swept away the fog of exhaustion.
“…it looks as though life is doing well for you.”
You wrote that after complimenting my two “beautiful children" (both girls, btw) then you wished me a belated birthday. (I’m thirty four now.) Ironic you forgot how I broke up with you on my 19th birthday. You probably assumed I went to my mother’s house that same day. But I can admit now that I went to shoot fireworks with my husband to celebrate my freedom alongside his friends. Friends he didn’t feel the need to lie to about who I was.
Like when you lied to Frenchy my freshman year in college about picking me up at the “honors student dorms.” You dick, my grades were fine but not that great! As I write this I realize that was my very first party in college you invited me to. So why didn’t you pick me up? I had to explain your lie to a friend of yours I barely knew! Probably covered for your lying, dumb ass like I always did.
After 16 years I still get annoyed at the mountain of red flags from our 4 year relationship. Over half that time we did the long distance thing once you were the big man on campus. I’ll admit I went to college because you convinced me there was a decent pre-law program. Pretty stupid of me in hindsight, but I met you at the age of 14. Moronically I thought there was a legit future. Even though after our first date I found out you hadn’t officially broken up with the last girl you were dating. You said it was amicable between you two. She told me she didn’t care it was over! She seemed relieved even!
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In the soul crushing year of 2020, I really didn’t want to pile on by giving you a piece of my mind. Specifically the piece of mind that produces curse words I work hard to not say around my children. The knee jerk reaction I always have is to spit venom your way; as a viper does its enemy. I’ve done it to you before. So why in heaven’s name do you want a connection?
I considered the chance that you’re also not like you were in your youth. I noticed you are also a parent. Maybe you recognize how detrimental lying is to one’s existence. Or as you once justified it “embellishing.” Perhaps you need to prove you are not the old delusions-of-grandeur type you once were to a girl you wronged.
Which actually sounds just like the delusional justification you became known for in my mind. From my perspective the memory of “us" grows more rotten over time. I mean, I wish you and your family no harm. Yet even in the context of a global pandemic I feel no nostalgia for you, old flame. Sure, it sounds nice to go to a movie theater like the one from our first date. But to re-live our double date being late to “What Women Want" and settling for Jim Carrey’s “The Grinch?” I’ll take another year locked in my apartment with our two beautiful (screaming) kids and the sweetest (overworked) husband I was blessed to meet in college.
Do say hello to your father for me in as safe a way as possible what with the ‘rona. As for your mom, um…hi.
*A rolodex was or is a desk tool that collects names/addresses depending on who you ask and their age.
