The Double Edged Sword of Tradition
Photo By Lorri Lang
I acknowledge the risky nature of quoting Woody Allen, but the polarizing film director had a point when he said: "Tradition is the illusion of permanence." Until 2020 the word tradition leaned heavily on me as an oppressive word. Even when presented in literal gift wrap and bows, tradition carries a perplexing pressure to conform and cater to society’s "need" to celebrate something in specific ways. Why? Because according to the calendar on the wall it’s that time of year.
2020 overall has been a bizarre tug of war in America between new lockdown lifestyle changes and traditional "live your life" activities. Remember hearing a defiant Spring Breaker on the news say "If I catch it [Covid] I catch it”? That was about 8 months ago. Most tug of war games I’ve seen last five minutes or less.
Traditional/seasonal activities continue weaving that metaphorical "rope" yanked by desperate, stubborn Americans with no interest in canceling vacations or milestone celebrations. On the other side, some folks don extra PPE to pick up the "ropes" slack in an attempt to save their counterparts from themselves or others. Meanwhile, both sides have reportedly been putting up Christmas trees a month or more early because: tradition.
Now obviously, I support the cautious, masked side of CoronAmerica’s reality. Yet my goal here is not to carry on the near daily tradition of explaining why social distancing is important. Instead my mind ponders traditional specifics/activities that accompany holidays and social milestones. Right off the heels of what many considered a non traditional Thanksgiving.
Thinking back to Spring, I remember many referring to life with Covid as "the new normal." This phrase has not reached my ears in months. I’m curious how often traditions and behaviors are taken on with little to no discussion about what is considered normal. Or good. If tradition is solely a recreation of a time before us how does this affect our contemporary and future age? Ultimately, I ask: what do traditions really mean to you in these bizarre 2020 times?
This Thanksgiving was the first year spent at home with just my husband and two daughters — 3 years old and 5 months. I realized while making dinner with my husband, we had not hosted a Thanksgiving day meal since college sometime before 2010.
It was the only time his mother and father (divorced) visited us at the exact same time as my mother. Recalling the social dynamics of his father struggling to find football on our cable free TV while his mother made small talk with my mom still felt awkward. Memories of us all sitting down to the meal itself were comforting. Everyone was civil but more importantly hungry. Then relaxed and full.
In 2020, we woke up to another day at home (Day #265). For months we've longed to jump in the car to visit downtown Seattle or stay somewhere overnight. Realizing we would not be taking the three hour drive to have dinner with my aunt and uncle, however, made staying home for Thanksgiving instantly less stressed. Of course, we miss family. But who misses traffic?
My mother almost had relatives come in from out of state but cancelled Thanksgiving 2020 a little over a week before. Video chatting with her I recognized her relaxed demeanor. Hard to come by when you work in the medical field like she does.* No doubt she felt less pressure to have a meal ready to be eaten mid day. It was “tradition” since her in laws prefer to drive back before sunset. That damn traffic, right?
For a short time on Thanksgiving morning my husband felt imaginary pressure to be ready at our set dinner time. It reminded me of how stressed my Aunt can get when cooking. One of my cousins joked one turkey day: "if she says dinner is at 4, then we eat at 7." In defense of those hosting Thanksgiving day meals for more than 3 people, I can understand the anxiety of having it all ready at once. What I never understood is how my aunt could get so worked up to yell "get out of my kitchen!"
Thinking about the roles (rolls) people take on Thanksgiving seems to be problematic for both host and guest right up to dinnertime. How bizarre that the holiday is essentially spending the whole day making or anticipating a single feast that is typically devoured in 30 minutes or less.
One unspoken aspect of Thanksgiving is the shared conflict what many refer to as being "hangry" (angry + hungry.) Once our bellies are satisfied the fog of hunger disappears. Our minds can once again remember what brought us together in the first place: family, friends, community. Deep down we all know connecting with others is what makes life precious.
We feel this specifically after our first plate of food then right before pie. Oh and someone has to do dishes, but not me.
Be honest: if it was any other year sans pandemic, would a Zoom meal with family really kill the Thanksgiving meal tradition? Couldn’t it make things better in a way? (Assuming you want to see those people in other contexts when its safe) You can make your own meal for a set time with the money you saved not traveling when the demand to travel is at its highest. You won't run the risk of having a mental breakdown in front of guests while something burns in the oven. What about this holiday makes it different from any other party or family reunion? For those who did travel was it worth it? If "togetherness" is the moral here maybe make this a national/quarterly habit to gather family in solidarity with Thanksgiving.
Well, ya know, once it’s safe to start new non-socially distanced traditions.
*If you wondered "why a medical professional considerer having Thanksgiving during a pandemic in the first place?" allow me to remind you of tradition’s biggest ally: peer pressure. More to come.
